Posts Tagged ‘humor’

60869032434314500_Of02beaY_bInside each woman is a princess.  Inside each man is a hero.

Every now and then we need to let these little bits of us play.

Scene: We see a spider and we overreact, calling for our hero to come slay the ugly beast! Hurry! Hurry! Come quick! GIANT spider!!!!!!! (there’s no such thing as a small spider, fyi).  Our hero dashes into the room, shouting for a tissue!  We toss a Kleenex in his (or her) direction and watch horrified as it flutters to the ground, out of his reach!  Hurry!!  It’s getting away!!!!  The hero dashes for the fallen tissue, spins, and squashes, er, VANQUISHES the foe!  We both sigh and look with disgust at the crumpled tissue.  Thank you honey, and you kiss.  Flush it, don’t toss it, ok?  I know! – end scene.

But it was just a little house spider, and though we feel a little guilty about its unnecessary death, we got what we needed, and that is reassurance that our hero still deems us worth saving.

Men, NEVER stop coming to your woman’s rescue.  Whether it’s a tiny house spider or a flesh eating zombie, always be her hero.

Women, NEVER stop asking to be rescued.  Men need to be our heroes every now and again and that’s a good thing.

Showing fear doesn’t mean you’re helpless.  Who shows up to calm your fears shows you who truly cares.

A man who won’t kill a spider for me will never be my man.

 

I should note, just in case anyone who knows me reads this, D kills all my spiders and centipedes if I ask him to : )

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Don't judge what you fail to understand.Pic found here:http://cpecv-chocoholic.deviantart.com/

Don’t judge what you fail to understand.
Pic found here:http://cpecv-chocoholic.deviantart.com/

The older I get, the more chocolate I want.  No, let me rephrase that: the older I get, the more chocolate I NEED.

At some point, a switch was flipped, and I went from a casual chocolate consumer to an all out GIVE ME CHOCOLATE NOW OR DIE kinda girl.

I know that there’s science backing up the fact that chocolate is beneficial to our health and mental well being, but I’m not in the mood to look it up and quote it.  Frankly, I doubt you mind.  I’m fairly confident that you’ve at least skimmed one of those articles and therefore know that I’m not full of shit and would rather I not quote to you some science, that neither of us fully understand, yet are happy to take it at its word as we munch on some sweet cocoa while thinking I know you’d never do me wrong my sweet and silky friend.

Murder worthy chocolate decadence cake

Murder worthy chocolate decadence cake

So, lets consider a possible scenario…Imagine it: You’ve been on the move for several days, looking for a safe place.  You’ve been chased, had to fight and kill, lost some friends in the process, and now are about to start your period.  You have cramps, both menstrual and muscle.  You’re back hurts, your head aches, and your pants are feeling tight because you’re bloated.  You’re moody and weepy and you’re not sure if it’s the hormones or the zombies killing your friends.  You have two Tylenol left and you’re really hoping that this months flow is light because your tampon stock is running low.  Life is pretty fucking shitty.  You begin to dig through your pack, praying for an extra Tylenol or tampon when your fingers light upon a lone square piece of heaven.  No… it couldn’t be!  But it is!  CHOCOLATE!  Sent to you by the gods of whatever goodness is left in the world, you have found in the bottom of your pack a Dove Miniature!

Or, lets say you have some little ones with you.  They’re cold, tired, irritable, and about to go into a full tilt freak out complete with screaming and crying, a sure fire zombie attractant for any undead walking corpse within a two mile radius.  The lower lip is trembling and the eyes are growing weepier by the second.  You plunge your hands into one of the many bags you’re carrying (because even when the worlds has chocolate skullsgone to shit you still have to nut up and carry five times your own weight in supplies for your kids) hoping to come across some sort of small trinket that will stop the countdown to launch on the atomic bomb your child is about to unleash.  Your fingers scrabble across item after item until you feel it.  A Hershey’s Krackel Miniature.  Quickly, you pull it out with the quickness of a ninja, unwrapping the candy in one fluid movement, and displaying it front of the babes eyes as if it were the One Ring to Rule them All.  Crisis averted, all thanks to chocolate.

It’s also super delicious.  Beyond that, I don’t know how many other reasons you need before you stuff some random chocolate bits into your Oh Sh!t Bag.  Who cares if it might melt, warm melty chocolate is extra yummy!  Though you might want to wrap it in a zip lock so it doesn’t get all over everything, because while chocolate covered peanuts are awesome, chocolate covered bandages and bullets are not.  We do have to draw the line somewhere.

 

These recipes below were included because I came across them and they looked too yummy not to share with you!

Find the recipe here: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/chocolate-pudding-50400000115355/

Super delicious chocolate pudding.
Find the recipe here: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/chocolate-pudding-50400000115355/

Rule #16: Keep your friends close but your enemies closer – unless we’re talking about zombies, then keep them as far away as possible!

It’s an old adage that many of us have repeated before, usually in response to a bit of bullshit drama that cropped up in our otherwise peaceful lives.  It relates to backstabbing co-workers and two-faced friends that we just can’t get away from; awful in-laws and despicable boy/girl-friends of others that for whatever reason just won’t go away.

It’s basic meaning is to play nice with your “enemies” and to not let them know how much you really despise them and wish horrific suffering to be done to them so as not to rock the proverbial boat and cause ourselves and those around us unnecessary stress.  It keeps us out of the line of fire and in the in with what our “enemies” are thinking and up to.

A Zombie Apocalypse is going to put quite a new twist on this one.

It won’t be “unnecessary stress” that we’ll be trying to avoid but a surprise bullet to the back of the head!

She has many names and many faces but we’ve all met this crazy bitch before.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Zombies won’t be our only threat come ZDay.  Our fellow warmblooded, still breathing humans will be just as dangerous.

An event like a zombie apocalypse is sure to dement even the strongest of us so what will it do to the already illogical and unreasonable people in this world?

Go ahead and think of that one person in your life (be it co-worker, relative, neighbor, etc) that drives you insane and who you can’t stand under the best of circumstances yet you still play nice with.  Now imagine what they’ll be like during a zombie apocalypse.

Yeah, that just ruined your day a little didn’t it?

Now I’m sure some of you are thinking Fuck em, I’ll just save everyone the headache and shoot em in the head!  It’s the zombie apocalypse after all, I don’t have time for any bullshit!

If you did think that (or something similar) you have proven why you’ll need to keep your friends close but your enemies closer because if you can feel that way about another person then I can guarantee you that someone else will feel that way about you.

Type of Guy to Avoid #1: The Show Off

He’s brash, thinks he’s cooler than everyone else, is usually a know-it-all, totally impulsive, likes the sound of his own voice, and makes really stupid decisions.  If this sounds like someone you know, avoid them at all costs once the zombie shit hits the fan.

The thing that sets the Show Off apart and makes him easy to recognize is the fact that he typically doesn’t have very refined skills.  He does things just to do them, then makes a big deal about it, but does nothing to improve upon it.  Since most of us are fairly non-confrontational, we smile and give him a half-hearted “way to go dude” and then roll your eyes when he’s not looking..  The problem with this is, even that minute amount of approval reinforces his ego and his overly inflated sense of worth.

He also typically thinks he knows better than you and has more experience in life than you.  A Show Off is usually a One-Upper (someone who always has to one-up a story or possession) too.  If you have an idea, he has a better one and won’t bother to consider anything else.

This is not someone you want to have to deal with come ZDay.

The last thing you and your group need to worry about is an obnoxious Show Off thinking he knows whats best for the group, doing something that puts the group in danger, and even possible swaying those that don’t any better to his way of thinking.

If you do end up with a show off in your group then put him in his place right away.  He cannot be allowed to think that he has any authority over the group and it’s decisions.  If he fights this, then tell him he can leave.  Or, use his stupidity to your advantage and get him to do tasks that no one else wants to and that aren’t too important.

and You Unintentionally Start the Zombie Apocalypse

This has more to do with pre-zombie apocalypse life than post-poc survival but it could still be a life or death lesson.

Lets face it, the best possible explanation for a zombie apocalypse has to be a virus of some sort; a crazy mutated strain of some barely pronounceable bacteria that infects it’s host and drives it to bite an uninfected host in order to transmit itself and spread throughout a population.  Max Brooks used this scenario in World War Z as did the writers of 28 Days Later, to name two that you’ve probably heard of.

Since this is the most likely cause of a zombie like apocalypse I think we should heed this warning: It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt and you unintentionally start the zombie apocalypse.

What am I talking about?  How could you, an ordinary citizen, accidentally be the cause of the world being overrun by flesh hungry walking corpses?

Answer me this: Have you ever exacted revenge on someone by doing something gross to their toothbrush?  Have you ever considered it?  Do you know someone who has? Do you see where I’m going with this?

Here’s a little story to illustrate my point:  There once was a lady named Sharon.  She worked at the local rinky dink zoo and was recently transferred to the bat house where they had just been given a donation of several very exotic bats from somewhere in the deep jungles of South America.  Now, Sharon’s boyfriend HATED bats and Sharon had recently discovered that said boyfriend was a cheating sonofabitch, so one day she snagged the assholes toothbrush and used it to clean one of her new little battys.  As she did so she giggled and relished in the fantasy of telling him what she did after she let him use the tainted brush for a few days.

Now, Sharons boyfriend, while a cheating douchebag, was never an angry or aggressive guy, but after a few days of letting him use the spoiled oral instrument, Sharon started to notice a change in his demeanor; a sort of twitchiness and moodiness that made him snap at her for no reason.  Sharon was really looking forward to dumping him in the most epic break-up ever.  Finally one night before bed, after he brushed his teeth one more time she told him, “You know what honey?  While I’ve known for a while now that you’re a cheating bastard, you’ve been oblivious to the fact that I used your toothbrush to clean one of the bats at the zoo several days ago.  You’ve been using it ever since”.  Sharon smiled as he ran into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet, his entire body heaving, as the contents of his stomach made their way back up.

She laughed when he collapsed onto the floor and began moaning.  But then something curious happened.  His body started to convulse; twisting unnaturally as his moans turned into pain filled agonized cries.  Sharon ran to him to see what was wrong.  She dialed 911 and held her breath when the seizure finally stopped along with his heart.  She put her head down and cried as she waited for EMS.  She didn’t see him start to move again and therefore never had the chance to defend herself when he grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him.  She screamed as he tore open her neck with his teeth and as the blood emptied from her body her final thought as she left the world of the living was “Fucking Bats!”.  Ten minutes later the EMS arrived and were happy to see that everyone seemed alright…except the woman seemed to be suffering from a large neck wound and “Miss are you alright?”…poor guys never stood a chance.

Moral of the story?  The next time you think about messing with someone’s toothbrush, no matter what they did to deserve it, consider the billions of lives that may be lost as a result.  If that doesn’t bother you, know this: The cause of the virus NEVER survives it.  EVER.

Our Fingernails

Breaking a nail is a bitch that we’ve all met before.

After spending weeks growing them and hours filing, buffing, and painting them, a freak accident with a car door handle occurs and you’re left with a mangled stub.  You cry out in disappointment and examine the ragged wreck, trying to comprehend what went wrong and if it is fixable, but alas, it is a lost cause.  If there’s someone with you, the inevitable whine “I broke a nail” slips from your pouting lips.

It’s a stereotype of women, us getting upset over a broken nail, and a stereotype that I’ll totally own up to.

Breaking a nail is a total pain in the ass NOT just because of aesthetics.  When one fingernail goes they all have to and our fingernails are tools we use for a host of everyday activities that suddenly become a lot more difficult without them.  They are extensions of our fingers.  Most men don’t get it because they keep their fingernails short and therefore aren’t used to using them.  When I cut my fingernails down I feel crippled and vulnerable.

Believe it or not I use them for more than tapping and scratching itches.  I can cut through box take with my natural nails, use them as a makeshift flat-head screwdriver, pick up tiny little things easier, stab through packaging seals, remove splinters, scrape things clean, use them as a toothpick, untie tight complicated knots, use them as pliers, the list keeps going.

I can also, when forced to, use them as a weapon of self-defense.  When my nails are long, you do not want me grabbing onto any fleshy bits.  I’ve inadvertently stabbed myself and inflicted wounds so I have no qualms about digging my mini daggers into an attackers soft spots.

No, I don’t advocate trying to kill a zombie with your fingernails, but you can fend off a human attacker if you’ve been disarmed of all other weapons.

Go for the eyes, groin, face, neck, and other delicate sensitive areas.  If your fingernails are your last resort, go for it.  Now is not the time to worry about breaking a nail.

Pre-Zpoc work on strengthening your natural nails with vitamins and polish treatments.  One of my personal favorites is the Sally Hansen brand nail strengtheners.

And the next time one breaks in the presence of a man don’t cry about breaking a nail, curse like a sailor that you “broke my post apocalypse finger extension tool”.

 

Ah, the age old mystery.  Why do ladies go to the bathroom together.

We do it for a few reasons, but the main ones are: to talk about about those who didn’t come with us, to ask each other questions that we don’t want anyone to overhear, and to keep an eye on each other.

See, like it or not, women have been keeping an eye out for ‘predators’ for a very very long time.  This will undoubtedly give us a bit of an advantage when the zombies start hunting us down.  We’re used to watching each others backs and we can spot a potential threat from miles away.  You know that creepy guy who is going to hit on every girl that accidentally makes eye contact with him?  Most of us spot him as soon as we walk into a bar/club/party/whatever and we avoid him like the zombie plague.  When our girlfriend mentions that she has to pee, we go along for the trip so that 1. She doesn’t get cornered by the creep and 2. We don’t have to go alone and get cornered by the creep in another 20 minutes.

Us girls, we watch each others backs.  We have to.  I hate admitting this but yes, most women are not as physically strong as many guys are.  So we’ve adapted our behavior to stay in groups of two or more women when out in unfamiliar territory where ‘predators’ may lurk.  This is why it’s also a good idea to strength train during pre-poc times.

It’s an uncomfortable subject but while we’re admitting things, lets also admit that we’re physically vulnerable while going to the bathroom.  We have to partially disrobe, rendering our legs unstable for a quick get away. Guys definitely have one up on us when it comes to peeing.  If they’re ambushed while taking a leak they can easily jump into a sprint and worry about tucking themselves in as they go.

Bathrooms themselves are a fairly dangerous environment.  Any public room with only 1 point of entry/exit makes me nervous.  If you become trapped in a bathroom, with the exit blocked, you have no choice but to fight your way through whatever blocks your way.  A lot of bathrooms don’t have windows either, which leaves you blind to any dangers that could be waiting outside the door.

This is why bathroom breaks are safer with friends.  With two (or more) of you, one can be the lookout while the other relieves themselves.  Don’t leave yourself blind and vulnerable under any circumstance.  Gross bodily function or not, you have to remember that everyone poops except for the dead.

So the next time you see a couple of girls go into a bathroom together, just assume that they are keeping an eye out for zombies and commend them for doing so.