Rule #15 Life is Short, Savor It

Posted: March 11, 2013 in The Rules

84a082a3553442f9a1b54908d863250eWe don’t need hordes of hungry corpses to remind us that life is short and fleeting.  Unfortunately, it’s hard to forget how fragile life can be at times.  It’s one of life’s great travesties, that we are so often reminded of our own mortality, that it can be difficult to sit back and enjoy life for it’s simple and sweet moments.

I think the beasts of this world have a leg up on us, in this respect, as I hope that they think of little of death.  I hope that our furry friends don’t spend their days worrying about the ‘end of it all’ and that they go about their innocent lives worrying only about eating, sleeping, and procreating rather than concern themselves with the oncoming vehicles of death speeding toward them in the passing lane of existence.  We, on the other hand, seem to only have a few years respite from the dark contemplations of death before the knowledge that it can all be taken away at any second is granted us.

What I wouldn’t give to be ignorant of death!

And it’s not simply my own death that darkens my thoughts, no!  What truly terrifies me is the thought of living this life without those I love beside me.  What a horror, to be left alone in this cruel world, without the sympathetic smile of a loved one to get you through it all!

But should we let the knowledge of death impede our lives and rule our every decision?  FUCK NO!  We cannot allow death to rule us.  Yes, we will die.  Yes, those we love will die (just hopefully after us).  But as long as there is life in our veins we must cling to the simple beauties that surround us.  Savor the sunset and all it’s glorious splendor of colors!  Let the chorus of sunrise song birds fill your heart with hope for the coming day!  Allow yourself to find beauty in the simple greenery of a shaded bit of woods!  Smile when you hear children laughing!  Sing along to your favorite song!  Kiss your lover deeply!  Go have a drink with your best friend!  Do what makes you happy, even if it doesn’t make you any money (just do it on the side, like I do, and have a day job to support your bills and stuff).

I think so many of us zombie enthusiasts fantasize about a zombie apocalypse because we’re missing something in this life.  Whatever that “IT” is for you, identify IT and make IT go away.  Life is short and tomorrow you might not be here anymore.

Today, someone I had worked with for a little over a year passed away.  He had a massive heart attack at work and the doctors were not able to save him.  Over the weekend he had experienced pain in his shoulder and had complained of not feeling well.  His family had urged him to go to the doctor but he hadn’t.  Today he is gone.

RIP Karl – You always had my back and I’ll miss you.

 

mary-poppinsAh, the purse!  Who among us hasn’t referenced Mary Poppins magical carpet bag that held everything from a tape-measure to a coat rack, while digging through their own much less whimsical version in search of something as mundane as car keys?  Or perhaps the younger among us may compare their shoulder bags to Hermione’s Undetectable Extension Charmed purse that kept books, a tent, clothes, and an assortment of other items safe for the Hogwarts crew.  While these movies may be based in fantasy, us ladies know that these particular bits have a note of truth to them.

Long before we ever started prepping for zombies we were already carrying around mini survival bags on our shoulders.  Whether we ever realized it or not, many of us carry well packed Oh Sh!t Bags (Bug Out Bags) around with us wherever we go.  In this department, we have quite a big advantage over the men, who often times only have a wallet on them.

He can hold my purse any day.

He can hold my purse any day.

Some of the men out there will be quick to add that they have, at all times, a much better survival bag hidden in their car that could keep them alive and well for months on end.  So I would like to point out that those bags are in the car and not carried with them wherever they go.  What if, in the midst of a disaster your car is stolen?  Or if you’re in a building that’s put on lock down?  Or out with a friend who was the one to drive?  While our purses may not be the most perfect of all Oh Sh!t Bags, they’ll do quite well in a pinch.  So, if you’re a man and the lady you’re with asks you to hold her purse for a moment, don’t roll your eyes or feel emasculated, instead hold tight to that bag, for it may just save your life one day.  If you doubt me, ask a lady in your life to dump out her purse.  Now prepare to be amazed!

Ladies, think about the contents of your purse for a moment.  I bet that you have at least 1 bandaid, a few OTC painkillers, some sort of blade (pocket knife, small scissors, nail clippers-yes they count, etc), tampons or maxi-pads, a pen, paper scraps (like receipts or a small pad for fire tinder and message not-an-organized-purse-by-eyesogreenleaving/sending), a random food item(s), wallet with credit cards, cell phone, car & house keys, gloves if it’s winter, some form of makeup, and hand sanitizer, all of which can be helpful and necessary in the event of an emergency.  Now, those are just the items I’d bet money that you have in your purse right now, but I’d also bet money that you have a few other useful items that you could use if the shit hit the fan.

For those of you who are moms, you probably can put the rest of us to shame with the amount of supplies you carry at all times!  If this isn’t basic apocalypse preparedness, then I don’t know what is.  Just make sure you also have a good pocket knife, lighter, multipurpose tool, anti-histamine, upgrade your first aid items (if applicable), and a bit of cash in case the grid goes down.  Even after you’ve added these extra few small items you’ll probably still have room left to carry around extra supplies you’ll procure during an emergency.

Oh-No-Not-The-Mom-Purse-James-Piatt-Persuader-Machine-Gun-Handbag

Lastly, we have the purse itself, nicely weighed down with all of our daily and emergency gear.  When buying your next one try and choose a purse with zippered pockets, this way, if push comes to shove, it can quickly become the swinging bag of death you always fantasized it would be without spilling its contents.

 

 

Rule #16: Keep your friends close but your enemies closer – unless we’re talking about zombies, then keep them as far away as possible!

It’s an old adage that many of us have repeated before, usually in response to a bit of bullshit drama that cropped up in our otherwise peaceful lives.  It relates to backstabbing co-workers and two-faced friends that we just can’t get away from; awful in-laws and despicable boy/girl-friends of others that for whatever reason just won’t go away.

It’s basic meaning is to play nice with your “enemies” and to not let them know how much you really despise them and wish horrific suffering to be done to them so as not to rock the proverbial boat and cause ourselves and those around us unnecessary stress.  It keeps us out of the line of fire and in the in with what our “enemies” are thinking and up to.

A Zombie Apocalypse is going to put quite a new twist on this one.

It won’t be “unnecessary stress” that we’ll be trying to avoid but a surprise bullet to the back of the head!

She has many names and many faces but we’ve all met this crazy bitch before.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Zombies won’t be our only threat come ZDay.  Our fellow warmblooded, still breathing humans will be just as dangerous.

An event like a zombie apocalypse is sure to dement even the strongest of us so what will it do to the already illogical and unreasonable people in this world?

Go ahead and think of that one person in your life (be it co-worker, relative, neighbor, etc) that drives you insane and who you can’t stand under the best of circumstances yet you still play nice with.  Now imagine what they’ll be like during a zombie apocalypse.

Yeah, that just ruined your day a little didn’t it?

Now I’m sure some of you are thinking Fuck em, I’ll just save everyone the headache and shoot em in the head!  It’s the zombie apocalypse after all, I don’t have time for any bullshit!

If you did think that (or something similar) you have proven why you’ll need to keep your friends close but your enemies closer because if you can feel that way about another person then I can guarantee you that someone else will feel that way about you.

Apocalypse Party

Definition 1: A group of people that have agreed to plan and prepare for the apocalypse together and that will join forces to try and survive when TSHTF.

Definition 2: A gathering of candidates for the before mentioned definition to discuss planning and survival.  Gathering should include food, spirits, music, and maps.

Two key ingredients to surviving the zombie apocalypse are: preparedness and numbers.  That said, the more people you have in your group/party that are prepared for the ZPoc, the more likely you are to survive.

Well, what better way to get things started than to host an Apocalypse Party?

Step 1: Write out a list of who you are going to invite.

Remember, these are the people you want to survive the end of the world with and the people you trust to help prepare for it.

I would start small.  For your first party, invite your closest friends and family.  Once your core group is solidified you can discuss bringing more people in.

Step 2: Write out a list of prepping duties.

ie: weapon caches, ammo, medical supplies, dry goods, food preservation, navigation specialists, transportation, etc.

Step 3: Get a preliminary plan together.  The group can solidify things later but having a general idea of things puts you in the leader position and will make it easier on everyone else.

Have an idea of meeting spots.  Pick at least 3 for when the shit first hits the fan.

Figure out who should do what.  Think of individuals strong points; if someones skills are a bit ambiguous, put them in charge of stockpiling dry goods and/or supplies. People like having their skills acknowledged so when you put someone in charge of something you’ll help build a cohesive and confident group.

Step 4: Make it fun

The reason so many of us like to fantasize about the apocalypse is because it’s a break from the every day BS we’re all sick and tired of.  If you try and make your party all doom and gloom, no ones going to want to be part of your Apocalypse Party.  Yes, it’s serious business but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with it.

Brew some zombie punch: http://www.thatsthespirit.com/en/drinks/recipe.asp?recipe_id=1458

Make some brain cupcakes: http://partywithak.blogspot.com/2011/10/recipe-of-day-brain-cupcakes.html

Send out some killer apocalypse style e-vites (make them yourself, save your $ for supplies): http://www.zazzle.com/grunge_radioactive_symbol_personalized_invite-161967188794444490

Step 5: Keep a Record

Have a notebook handy during your party and write all your ideas down.  That zombie punch packs a wallop and you don’t want to forget anything!

Have maps handy and highlight any routes you and your group decide on.

Start an online group for your Apocalypse Party.  You can start a private Facebook group where everyone can discuss your plans in private or use Google + and Google Docs to keep track of your lists and stock piling.

If your Apocalypse Party is a success you’ll be well on your way to establishing your own Apocalypse Party (see the double entendre at work there?) and if TSHTF you and yours will be ready!

 

Stay safe sisters and brothers.

Type of Guy to Avoid #1: The Show Off

He’s brash, thinks he’s cooler than everyone else, is usually a know-it-all, totally impulsive, likes the sound of his own voice, and makes really stupid decisions.  If this sounds like someone you know, avoid them at all costs once the zombie shit hits the fan.

The thing that sets the Show Off apart and makes him easy to recognize is the fact that he typically doesn’t have very refined skills.  He does things just to do them, then makes a big deal about it, but does nothing to improve upon it.  Since most of us are fairly non-confrontational, we smile and give him a half-hearted “way to go dude” and then roll your eyes when he’s not looking..  The problem with this is, even that minute amount of approval reinforces his ego and his overly inflated sense of worth.

He also typically thinks he knows better than you and has more experience in life than you.  A Show Off is usually a One-Upper (someone who always has to one-up a story or possession) too.  If you have an idea, he has a better one and won’t bother to consider anything else.

This is not someone you want to have to deal with come ZDay.

The last thing you and your group need to worry about is an obnoxious Show Off thinking he knows whats best for the group, doing something that puts the group in danger, and even possible swaying those that don’t any better to his way of thinking.

If you do end up with a show off in your group then put him in his place right away.  He cannot be allowed to think that he has any authority over the group and it’s decisions.  If he fights this, then tell him he can leave.  Or, use his stupidity to your advantage and get him to do tasks that no one else wants to and that aren’t too important.

and You Unintentionally Start the Zombie Apocalypse

This has more to do with pre-zombie apocalypse life than post-poc survival but it could still be a life or death lesson.

Lets face it, the best possible explanation for a zombie apocalypse has to be a virus of some sort; a crazy mutated strain of some barely pronounceable bacteria that infects it’s host and drives it to bite an uninfected host in order to transmit itself and spread throughout a population.  Max Brooks used this scenario in World War Z as did the writers of 28 Days Later, to name two that you’ve probably heard of.

Since this is the most likely cause of a zombie like apocalypse I think we should heed this warning: It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt and you unintentionally start the zombie apocalypse.

What am I talking about?  How could you, an ordinary citizen, accidentally be the cause of the world being overrun by flesh hungry walking corpses?

Answer me this: Have you ever exacted revenge on someone by doing something gross to their toothbrush?  Have you ever considered it?  Do you know someone who has? Do you see where I’m going with this?

Here’s a little story to illustrate my point:  There once was a lady named Sharon.  She worked at the local rinky dink zoo and was recently transferred to the bat house where they had just been given a donation of several very exotic bats from somewhere in the deep jungles of South America.  Now, Sharon’s boyfriend HATED bats and Sharon had recently discovered that said boyfriend was a cheating sonofabitch, so one day she snagged the assholes toothbrush and used it to clean one of her new little battys.  As she did so she giggled and relished in the fantasy of telling him what she did after she let him use the tainted brush for a few days.

Now, Sharons boyfriend, while a cheating douchebag, was never an angry or aggressive guy, but after a few days of letting him use the spoiled oral instrument, Sharon started to notice a change in his demeanor; a sort of twitchiness and moodiness that made him snap at her for no reason.  Sharon was really looking forward to dumping him in the most epic break-up ever.  Finally one night before bed, after he brushed his teeth one more time she told him, “You know what honey?  While I’ve known for a while now that you’re a cheating bastard, you’ve been oblivious to the fact that I used your toothbrush to clean one of the bats at the zoo several days ago.  You’ve been using it ever since”.  Sharon smiled as he ran into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet, his entire body heaving, as the contents of his stomach made their way back up.

She laughed when he collapsed onto the floor and began moaning.  But then something curious happened.  His body started to convulse; twisting unnaturally as his moans turned into pain filled agonized cries.  Sharon ran to him to see what was wrong.  She dialed 911 and held her breath when the seizure finally stopped along with his heart.  She put her head down and cried as she waited for EMS.  She didn’t see him start to move again and therefore never had the chance to defend herself when he grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him.  She screamed as he tore open her neck with his teeth and as the blood emptied from her body her final thought as she left the world of the living was “Fucking Bats!”.  Ten minutes later the EMS arrived and were happy to see that everyone seemed alright…except the woman seemed to be suffering from a large neck wound and “Miss are you alright?”…poor guys never stood a chance.

Moral of the story?  The next time you think about messing with someone’s toothbrush, no matter what they did to deserve it, consider the billions of lives that may be lost as a result.  If that doesn’t bother you, know this: The cause of the virus NEVER survives it.  EVER.

Rule #14: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

If you’re not scared out of your wits come the zombie apocalypse then you’re fucking insane.  That’s the only reasonable excuse anyone would have.

It’s fun to fantasize about sure, but if it did really happen; if the corpses of our friends, family, neighbors, and strangers alike began attacking us and trying to eat us, only a fool wouldn’t be terrified.

But it’s ok, because fear is a useful emotion.  Fear is what has been keeping us alive for eons.  It’s fear of death and injury that keeps us safe.  And it’s fear that will continue to do so after the zombie apocalypse has begun. We’re not used to being prey but that’s exactly what we will be and prey only eludes a predator by fearing it.  A mouse who has never known a snake before doesn’t fear it and will approach it with little caution.  The snake, a cold blooded predator, strikes without consideration and gets an easy meal.  This is how many of us will die during the first wave of a zombie outbreak.  We won’t recognize the zombie for what it is, a predator, and therefore we won’t fear it.  We’ll approach it without caution, maybe even in concern, thinking that a fellow human being needs our help, but what was once a warm blooded mammal is now a ruthless coldblooded reptilian like killer.  If we’re quick little mice, maybe we’ll get away, and fear will blossom in our hearts and teach us to keep away from the sick and stumbling.

Beware of the person who isn’t afraid.  If you happen to have one of these individuals in your group, get rid of them, they’ll only get you killed.  Some mice, for whatever reason, even after a snake has struck and missed, will approach the predator again and again, until the death blow is delivered.  My guess is that these mice are especially cocky, believing until the end that they can out muscle the snake.  They might get a few good bites and scratches in but alas, the snake almost always wins.  On the rare occasion that that snake doesn’t, a future one will.

Cockiness is catching, it’s why douchebags always travel in large packs.  Seeing one douchebag get lucky with a zombie may make others think they can too, which will only lead to deaths.  I don’t care how cool you think you are, no one is immune to a zombies appetite.

Apex predators have to be dealt with cautiously and with intelligence.  Fight back when you have to, but elude them as much as possible unless you have a well laid plan in place.  Many mice can potentially kill one snake but only by being smart about it.

Now, fear is different from cowardice.  Cowards are just as likely to die or get you killed as someone who is isn’t afraid.  Fear moves you, cowardice tends to cripple or blind you.

Harness your fear and use it to your advantage.  Do your best to control your fear.  Steady your hand, take a deep breath, and pull the trigger.  It’s ok to be afraid, you won’t be alone.  Even if you’re the last human on earth the little mice under the stairs will still be running from the snakes in the grass.