Archive for the ‘The Rules’ Category

Don't judge what you fail to understand.Pic found here:http://cpecv-chocoholic.deviantart.com/

Don’t judge what you fail to understand.
Pic found here:http://cpecv-chocoholic.deviantart.com/

The older I get, the more chocolate I want.  No, let me rephrase that: the older I get, the more chocolate I NEED.

At some point, a switch was flipped, and I went from a casual chocolate consumer to an all out GIVE ME CHOCOLATE NOW OR DIE kinda girl.

I know that there’s science backing up the fact that chocolate is beneficial to our health and mental well being, but I’m not in the mood to look it up and quote it.  Frankly, I doubt you mind.  I’m fairly confident that you’ve at least skimmed one of those articles and therefore know that I’m not full of shit and would rather I not quote to you some science, that neither of us fully understand, yet are happy to take it at its word as we munch on some sweet cocoa while thinking I know you’d never do me wrong my sweet and silky friend.

Murder worthy chocolate decadence cake

Murder worthy chocolate decadence cake

So, lets consider a possible scenario…Imagine it: You’ve been on the move for several days, looking for a safe place.  You’ve been chased, had to fight and kill, lost some friends in the process, and now are about to start your period.  You have cramps, both menstrual and muscle.  You’re back hurts, your head aches, and your pants are feeling tight because you’re bloated.  You’re moody and weepy and you’re not sure if it’s the hormones or the zombies killing your friends.  You have two Tylenol left and you’re really hoping that this months flow is light because your tampon stock is running low.  Life is pretty fucking shitty.  You begin to dig through your pack, praying for an extra Tylenol or tampon when your fingers light upon a lone square piece of heaven.  No… it couldn’t be!  But it is!  CHOCOLATE!  Sent to you by the gods of whatever goodness is left in the world, you have found in the bottom of your pack a Dove Miniature!

Or, lets say you have some little ones with you.  They’re cold, tired, irritable, and about to go into a full tilt freak out complete with screaming and crying, a sure fire zombie attractant for any undead walking corpse within a two mile radius.  The lower lip is trembling and the eyes are growing weepier by the second.  You plunge your hands into one of the many bags you’re carrying (because even when the worlds has chocolate skullsgone to shit you still have to nut up and carry five times your own weight in supplies for your kids) hoping to come across some sort of small trinket that will stop the countdown to launch on the atomic bomb your child is about to unleash.  Your fingers scrabble across item after item until you feel it.  A Hershey’s Krackel Miniature.  Quickly, you pull it out with the quickness of a ninja, unwrapping the candy in one fluid movement, and displaying it front of the babes eyes as if it were the One Ring to Rule them All.  Crisis averted, all thanks to chocolate.

It’s also super delicious.  Beyond that, I don’t know how many other reasons you need before you stuff some random chocolate bits into your Oh Sh!t Bag.  Who cares if it might melt, warm melty chocolate is extra yummy!  Though you might want to wrap it in a zip lock so it doesn’t get all over everything, because while chocolate covered peanuts are awesome, chocolate covered bandages and bullets are not.  We do have to draw the line somewhere.

 

These recipes below were included because I came across them and they looked too yummy not to share with you!

Find the recipe here: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/chocolate-pudding-50400000115355/

Super delicious chocolate pudding.
Find the recipe here: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/chocolate-pudding-50400000115355/

Rule #15 Life is Short, Savor It

Posted: March 11, 2013 in The Rules

84a082a3553442f9a1b54908d863250eWe don’t need hordes of hungry corpses to remind us that life is short and fleeting.  Unfortunately, it’s hard to forget how fragile life can be at times.  It’s one of life’s great travesties, that we are so often reminded of our own mortality, that it can be difficult to sit back and enjoy life for it’s simple and sweet moments.

I think the beasts of this world have a leg up on us, in this respect, as I hope that they think of little of death.  I hope that our furry friends don’t spend their days worrying about the ‘end of it all’ and that they go about their innocent lives worrying only about eating, sleeping, and procreating rather than concern themselves with the oncoming vehicles of death speeding toward them in the passing lane of existence.  We, on the other hand, seem to only have a few years respite from the dark contemplations of death before the knowledge that it can all be taken away at any second is granted us.

What I wouldn’t give to be ignorant of death!

And it’s not simply my own death that darkens my thoughts, no!  What truly terrifies me is the thought of living this life without those I love beside me.  What a horror, to be left alone in this cruel world, without the sympathetic smile of a loved one to get you through it all!

But should we let the knowledge of death impede our lives and rule our every decision?  FUCK NO!  We cannot allow death to rule us.  Yes, we will die.  Yes, those we love will die (just hopefully after us).  But as long as there is life in our veins we must cling to the simple beauties that surround us.  Savor the sunset and all it’s glorious splendor of colors!  Let the chorus of sunrise song birds fill your heart with hope for the coming day!  Allow yourself to find beauty in the simple greenery of a shaded bit of woods!  Smile when you hear children laughing!  Sing along to your favorite song!  Kiss your lover deeply!  Go have a drink with your best friend!  Do what makes you happy, even if it doesn’t make you any money (just do it on the side, like I do, and have a day job to support your bills and stuff).

I think so many of us zombie enthusiasts fantasize about a zombie apocalypse because we’re missing something in this life.  Whatever that “IT” is for you, identify IT and make IT go away.  Life is short and tomorrow you might not be here anymore.

Today, someone I had worked with for a little over a year passed away.  He had a massive heart attack at work and the doctors were not able to save him.  Over the weekend he had experienced pain in his shoulder and had complained of not feeling well.  His family had urged him to go to the doctor but he hadn’t.  Today he is gone.

RIP Karl – You always had my back and I’ll miss you.

 

Rule #16: Keep your friends close but your enemies closer – unless we’re talking about zombies, then keep them as far away as possible!

It’s an old adage that many of us have repeated before, usually in response to a bit of bullshit drama that cropped up in our otherwise peaceful lives.  It relates to backstabbing co-workers and two-faced friends that we just can’t get away from; awful in-laws and despicable boy/girl-friends of others that for whatever reason just won’t go away.

It’s basic meaning is to play nice with your “enemies” and to not let them know how much you really despise them and wish horrific suffering to be done to them so as not to rock the proverbial boat and cause ourselves and those around us unnecessary stress.  It keeps us out of the line of fire and in the in with what our “enemies” are thinking and up to.

A Zombie Apocalypse is going to put quite a new twist on this one.

It won’t be “unnecessary stress” that we’ll be trying to avoid but a surprise bullet to the back of the head!

She has many names and many faces but we’ve all met this crazy bitch before.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Zombies won’t be our only threat come ZDay.  Our fellow warmblooded, still breathing humans will be just as dangerous.

An event like a zombie apocalypse is sure to dement even the strongest of us so what will it do to the already illogical and unreasonable people in this world?

Go ahead and think of that one person in your life (be it co-worker, relative, neighbor, etc) that drives you insane and who you can’t stand under the best of circumstances yet you still play nice with.  Now imagine what they’ll be like during a zombie apocalypse.

Yeah, that just ruined your day a little didn’t it?

Now I’m sure some of you are thinking Fuck em, I’ll just save everyone the headache and shoot em in the head!  It’s the zombie apocalypse after all, I don’t have time for any bullshit!

If you did think that (or something similar) you have proven why you’ll need to keep your friends close but your enemies closer because if you can feel that way about another person then I can guarantee you that someone else will feel that way about you.

Rule #14: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

If you’re not scared out of your wits come the zombie apocalypse then you’re fucking insane.  That’s the only reasonable excuse anyone would have.

It’s fun to fantasize about sure, but if it did really happen; if the corpses of our friends, family, neighbors, and strangers alike began attacking us and trying to eat us, only a fool wouldn’t be terrified.

But it’s ok, because fear is a useful emotion.  Fear is what has been keeping us alive for eons.  It’s fear of death and injury that keeps us safe.  And it’s fear that will continue to do so after the zombie apocalypse has begun. We’re not used to being prey but that’s exactly what we will be and prey only eludes a predator by fearing it.  A mouse who has never known a snake before doesn’t fear it and will approach it with little caution.  The snake, a cold blooded predator, strikes without consideration and gets an easy meal.  This is how many of us will die during the first wave of a zombie outbreak.  We won’t recognize the zombie for what it is, a predator, and therefore we won’t fear it.  We’ll approach it without caution, maybe even in concern, thinking that a fellow human being needs our help, but what was once a warm blooded mammal is now a ruthless coldblooded reptilian like killer.  If we’re quick little mice, maybe we’ll get away, and fear will blossom in our hearts and teach us to keep away from the sick and stumbling.

Beware of the person who isn’t afraid.  If you happen to have one of these individuals in your group, get rid of them, they’ll only get you killed.  Some mice, for whatever reason, even after a snake has struck and missed, will approach the predator again and again, until the death blow is delivered.  My guess is that these mice are especially cocky, believing until the end that they can out muscle the snake.  They might get a few good bites and scratches in but alas, the snake almost always wins.  On the rare occasion that that snake doesn’t, a future one will.

Cockiness is catching, it’s why douchebags always travel in large packs.  Seeing one douchebag get lucky with a zombie may make others think they can too, which will only lead to deaths.  I don’t care how cool you think you are, no one is immune to a zombies appetite.

Apex predators have to be dealt with cautiously and with intelligence.  Fight back when you have to, but elude them as much as possible unless you have a well laid plan in place.  Many mice can potentially kill one snake but only by being smart about it.

Now, fear is different from cowardice.  Cowards are just as likely to die or get you killed as someone who is isn’t afraid.  Fear moves you, cowardice tends to cripple or blind you.

Harness your fear and use it to your advantage.  Do your best to control your fear.  Steady your hand, take a deep breath, and pull the trigger.  It’s ok to be afraid, you won’t be alone.  Even if you’re the last human on earth the little mice under the stairs will still be running from the snakes in the grass.

Ah, the age old mystery.  Why do ladies go to the bathroom together.

We do it for a few reasons, but the main ones are: to talk about about those who didn’t come with us, to ask each other questions that we don’t want anyone to overhear, and to keep an eye on each other.

See, like it or not, women have been keeping an eye out for ‘predators’ for a very very long time.  This will undoubtedly give us a bit of an advantage when the zombies start hunting us down.  We’re used to watching each others backs and we can spot a potential threat from miles away.  You know that creepy guy who is going to hit on every girl that accidentally makes eye contact with him?  Most of us spot him as soon as we walk into a bar/club/party/whatever and we avoid him like the zombie plague.  When our girlfriend mentions that she has to pee, we go along for the trip so that 1. She doesn’t get cornered by the creep and 2. We don’t have to go alone and get cornered by the creep in another 20 minutes.

Us girls, we watch each others backs.  We have to.  I hate admitting this but yes, most women are not as physically strong as many guys are.  So we’ve adapted our behavior to stay in groups of two or more women when out in unfamiliar territory where ‘predators’ may lurk.  This is why it’s also a good idea to strength train during pre-poc times.

It’s an uncomfortable subject but while we’re admitting things, lets also admit that we’re physically vulnerable while going to the bathroom.  We have to partially disrobe, rendering our legs unstable for a quick get away. Guys definitely have one up on us when it comes to peeing.  If they’re ambushed while taking a leak they can easily jump into a sprint and worry about tucking themselves in as they go.

Bathrooms themselves are a fairly dangerous environment.  Any public room with only 1 point of entry/exit makes me nervous.  If you become trapped in a bathroom, with the exit blocked, you have no choice but to fight your way through whatever blocks your way.  A lot of bathrooms don’t have windows either, which leaves you blind to any dangers that could be waiting outside the door.

This is why bathroom breaks are safer with friends.  With two (or more) of you, one can be the lookout while the other relieves themselves.  Don’t leave yourself blind and vulnerable under any circumstance.  Gross bodily function or not, you have to remember that everyone poops except for the dead.

So the next time you see a couple of girls go into a bathroom together, just assume that they are keeping an eye out for zombies and commend them for doing so.

That’s right ladies, one perk to the zombie apocalypse: NO MORE DIETS!!

No more diets, worrying about eating healthy, counting calories, or feeling guilty about splurging on a little sumthin sumthin late at night.  Another perk?  We’ll probably be able to drop those pesky few (or more) pounds with a quickness once we’re spending most of our time running from the blood thirsty hordes.

Now of course that doesn’t mean to splurge all you want now; no, we do have to be careful.  We need to make sure that we CAN outrun the zombies once they start chasing us.  This means exercising now.

Sorry, I hate it too.  But it’s just part of the deal.  Cardio, resistance, and endurance training.  The holy trinity of Pre-Zpoc fitness.

But lets get back to the fun stuff. 

Once again…YAY, NO MORE DIETS!!!!!!!!!!

Lets just bask in the beauty of that statement for a moment…

 

Ok, now that we’re all feeling a little bit better about zombies overrunning the earth, lets agree on one thing: While calorie count won’t matter anymore, body count will.  If you find a stray snickers bar don’t think twice, just eat the damn thing!  And when several zombies wander into your camp DON’T THINK TWICE, just shoot the bastards!

You have to be prepared to kill any threat to your and your fellow survivors safety.  Take pride in your body count.  Strive to have one of the highest in your group.  Come up with new and improved ways to dispatch the enemy.  Become a huntress (or hunter for you dudes); a warrior queen who salivates for the kill.

Not only will you feel more confident in yourself, it’s common knowledge that the warriors and hunters of any tribe are the best fed of the bunch.

Rule #11: Aim for the Head

Yeah, I recognize that this rule should have come a little sooner but frankly it kinda slipped my mind so, from here on out, we’re just gonna say that these rules are not in any particular order even though they are numbered.

That said, come the zombie apocalypse, when everyone is freaking out and trying to pretend that the monsters they are seeing are not zombies, remember this: AIM FOR THE HEAD.

If the horror genre has taught us anything it is: wooden stakes kill vampires, silver bullets kill werewolves, a psycho killer is never really dead the first time you think you killed him, and that to kill a zombie you must destroy it’s brain.  So, the first time a slavering corpse tries to treat you like a Big Mac, thump the fucker in the head and be done with it.  You have a better chance at surviving if you just go for the head right off the bat rather than testing if body shots will do the job.  No matter how tempting it may be to aim for the larger body target, you’ll only be wasting your time, ammunition, strength, and putting your life at risk.

A lot of people are going to be in complete denial when the outbreak starts.  Many will refuse to believe the reality that zombies do exist and that they are trying to eat you.  Those people will most likely put round after round into the torso of an approaching zombie and scream “WHY WON’T YOU DIE” as the clip empties and their gun becomes useless.  A moment of sheer terror will grip them as the realization of what is coming their way floods their consciousness.  Maybe they still have enough time to get away.  Maybe the monster is too close now and their questioning scream is delivered as the corpse digs its teeth into their neck.  Maybe the shock is too much and they pee themselves and passed out only to wake up while their small intestines are ripped from a hole clawed into their stomachs.  Alas, it all could have been avoided with one well placed head shot.

Maybe we’re wrong.  Maybe its not zombies that are trying to kill us or maybe you can kill a zombie by shooting it in the heart.  Who knows.  What do we know for sure?  A head shot is a pretty good guarantee of death to most living creatures.  So take a deep breath, steady your shot, and aim for the head people.