Archive for the ‘The Basics’ Category

1.  Courage – Survival may necessitate running and hiding at times but you’ll also have to fight.

2. Independent thought – If something sounds like a bad idea, it probably is.

3. A good friend – Someone to watch your back and give you a reason to keep fighting.

4. A weapon of some sort – Duh.

5. Her purse filled with all her daily survival items – See Purse post

6. Luck – You’re gonna need it.

and You Unintentionally Start the Zombie Apocalypse

This has more to do with pre-zombie apocalypse life than post-poc survival but it could still be a life or death lesson.

Lets face it, the best possible explanation for a zombie apocalypse has to be a virus of some sort; a crazy mutated strain of some barely pronounceable bacteria that infects it’s host and drives it to bite an uninfected host in order to transmit itself and spread throughout a population.  Max Brooks used this scenario in World War Z as did the writers of 28 Days Later, to name two that you’ve probably heard of.

Since this is the most likely cause of a zombie like apocalypse I think we should heed this warning: It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt and you unintentionally start the zombie apocalypse.

What am I talking about?  How could you, an ordinary citizen, accidentally be the cause of the world being overrun by flesh hungry walking corpses?

Answer me this: Have you ever exacted revenge on someone by doing something gross to their toothbrush?  Have you ever considered it?  Do you know someone who has? Do you see where I’m going with this?

Here’s a little story to illustrate my point:  There once was a lady named Sharon.  She worked at the local rinky dink zoo and was recently transferred to the bat house where they had just been given a donation of several very exotic bats from somewhere in the deep jungles of South America.  Now, Sharon’s boyfriend HATED bats and Sharon had recently discovered that said boyfriend was a cheating sonofabitch, so one day she snagged the assholes toothbrush and used it to clean one of her new little battys.  As she did so she giggled and relished in the fantasy of telling him what she did after she let him use the tainted brush for a few days.

Now, Sharons boyfriend, while a cheating douchebag, was never an angry or aggressive guy, but after a few days of letting him use the spoiled oral instrument, Sharon started to notice a change in his demeanor; a sort of twitchiness and moodiness that made him snap at her for no reason.  Sharon was really looking forward to dumping him in the most epic break-up ever.  Finally one night before bed, after he brushed his teeth one more time she told him, “You know what honey?  While I’ve known for a while now that you’re a cheating bastard, you’ve been oblivious to the fact that I used your toothbrush to clean one of the bats at the zoo several days ago.  You’ve been using it ever since”.  Sharon smiled as he ran into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet, his entire body heaving, as the contents of his stomach made their way back up.

She laughed when he collapsed onto the floor and began moaning.  But then something curious happened.  His body started to convulse; twisting unnaturally as his moans turned into pain filled agonized cries.  Sharon ran to him to see what was wrong.  She dialed 911 and held her breath when the seizure finally stopped along with his heart.  She put her head down and cried as she waited for EMS.  She didn’t see him start to move again and therefore never had the chance to defend herself when he grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him.  She screamed as he tore open her neck with his teeth and as the blood emptied from her body her final thought as she left the world of the living was “Fucking Bats!”.  Ten minutes later the EMS arrived and were happy to see that everyone seemed alright…except the woman seemed to be suffering from a large neck wound and “Miss are you alright?”…poor guys never stood a chance.

Moral of the story?  The next time you think about messing with someone’s toothbrush, no matter what they did to deserve it, consider the billions of lives that may be lost as a result.  If that doesn’t bother you, know this: The cause of the virus NEVER survives it.  EVER.

The “Oh Shit” Plan….uh, Plans

Posted: December 3, 2011 in The Basics

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!

I just had to club my neighbor’s fourteen year old son over the head with a baseball bat!  And not for peeking in the windows of the bathroom this time!  Oh God here comes his dad!  Oh crap, oh crap!  Same dead look.  Same dead eyes.  Same gaping wound on his neck!  Oh fuck it, I never liked that asshole anyways…THWAP!

Ok, so now what…

Everyone talks about the importance of having a plan in place in case of an emergency.  Why?  Because if the shit hits the fan you’re going to be screwed if you don’t have some sort of idea what to do next.

So where do we start?  Well girls, it’s time to put together an Oh Shit Plan…or two.

Why two?  Well chances are the first decision you’ll have to make in a never ending stream of life and death decisions is: Do I stay or do I go?

While some of you may now have The Clash stuck in your head, that’s not necessarily a bad thing because no matter what, things are going to get worse.  Sorry, but they are.  So, if you go there will be trouble, but if you stay there will be double (so sorry for that).

So which is it?  Do we trust Mick Jones and Joe Strummer and leave the safety of our homes or do we stay and defend what’s ours?  Well each situation is going to be different and too many factors are TBD so it’s best to have two plans of actions: Defending the Fort & Getting the Hell Out of Dodge.

So it’s time to get our shit together girls and come up with a plan for each.  Oh yeah, and did I mention we need an Oh Shit Bag?  Mmm, just thinking about that bag gives me goose bumps.  So many possibilities and only so much room…

Welcome

Posted: November 23, 2011 in The Basics
Tags: , , , ,

Welcome ladies to The Girls Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

Lets be honest for a second.  We all know that the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse is a real threat and needs to be taken seriously.

Now lets be even more honest with each other.  As females, we need to take some special precautions.  There are things we need to consider more than our male counterparts do.  Things that if we don’t prepare for, could result with us huddled in a closet, rocking back and forth like a crazy person, with our hands over our ears, whimpering “there’s no place like home” while a horde of the undead sniffs us out.

Screw that!

Yes woman are strong.  Yes we are smart.  Yes we are totally capable of kicking some major ass BUT there’s also a lot of stuff we look to the men around us to do and take care of.  I know that I can do damn near anything I put my mind to but I’ll be the first to admit that I look to the men in my life to take care of a lot.  Like killing bugs and mowing the lawn.  Problem is, this has left me and I’m sure a lot of you ill-prepared for the coming disintegration of civilization.

This is why I’m starting The Girls Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse.  I think it’s important for us to identify not only our strengths but also our weaknesses.  If we’re as strong as we say we are then we should be able to admit what our weaknesses are.  If we can admit it, we can overcome it, and then we’ll be kicking in that closet door, hunting down the undead, and destroying their rotting zombie brains!