Archive for May, 2012

and You Unintentionally Start the Zombie Apocalypse

This has more to do with pre-zombie apocalypse life than post-poc survival but it could still be a life or death lesson.

Lets face it, the best possible explanation for a zombie apocalypse has to be a virus of some sort; a crazy mutated strain of some barely pronounceable bacteria that infects it’s host and drives it to bite an uninfected host in order to transmit itself and spread throughout a population.  Max Brooks used this scenario in World War Z as did the writers of 28 Days Later, to name two that you’ve probably heard of.

Since this is the most likely cause of a zombie like apocalypse I think we should heed this warning: It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt and you unintentionally start the zombie apocalypse.

What am I talking about?  How could you, an ordinary citizen, accidentally be the cause of the world being overrun by flesh hungry walking corpses?

Answer me this: Have you ever exacted revenge on someone by doing something gross to their toothbrush?  Have you ever considered it?  Do you know someone who has? Do you see where I’m going with this?

Here’s a little story to illustrate my point:  There once was a lady named Sharon.  She worked at the local rinky dink zoo and was recently transferred to the bat house where they had just been given a donation of several very exotic bats from somewhere in the deep jungles of South America.  Now, Sharon’s boyfriend HATED bats and Sharon had recently discovered that said boyfriend was a cheating sonofabitch, so one day she snagged the assholes toothbrush and used it to clean one of her new little battys.  As she did so she giggled and relished in the fantasy of telling him what she did after she let him use the tainted brush for a few days.

Now, Sharons boyfriend, while a cheating douchebag, was never an angry or aggressive guy, but after a few days of letting him use the spoiled oral instrument, Sharon started to notice a change in his demeanor; a sort of twitchiness and moodiness that made him snap at her for no reason.  Sharon was really looking forward to dumping him in the most epic break-up ever.  Finally one night before bed, after he brushed his teeth one more time she told him, “You know what honey?  While I’ve known for a while now that you’re a cheating bastard, you’ve been oblivious to the fact that I used your toothbrush to clean one of the bats at the zoo several days ago.  You’ve been using it ever since”.  Sharon smiled as he ran into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet, his entire body heaving, as the contents of his stomach made their way back up.

She laughed when he collapsed onto the floor and began moaning.  But then something curious happened.  His body started to convulse; twisting unnaturally as his moans turned into pain filled agonized cries.  Sharon ran to him to see what was wrong.  She dialed 911 and held her breath when the seizure finally stopped along with his heart.  She put her head down and cried as she waited for EMS.  She didn’t see him start to move again and therefore never had the chance to defend herself when he grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him.  She screamed as he tore open her neck with his teeth and as the blood emptied from her body her final thought as she left the world of the living was “Fucking Bats!”.  Ten minutes later the EMS arrived and were happy to see that everyone seemed alright…except the woman seemed to be suffering from a large neck wound and “Miss are you alright?”…poor guys never stood a chance.

Moral of the story?  The next time you think about messing with someone’s toothbrush, no matter what they did to deserve it, consider the billions of lives that may be lost as a result.  If that doesn’t bother you, know this: The cause of the virus NEVER survives it.  EVER.

Rule #14: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

If you’re not scared out of your wits come the zombie apocalypse then you’re fucking insane.  That’s the only reasonable excuse anyone would have.

It’s fun to fantasize about sure, but if it did really happen; if the corpses of our friends, family, neighbors, and strangers alike began attacking us and trying to eat us, only a fool wouldn’t be terrified.

But it’s ok, because fear is a useful emotion.  Fear is what has been keeping us alive for eons.  It’s fear of death and injury that keeps us safe.  And it’s fear that will continue to do so after the zombie apocalypse has begun. We’re not used to being prey but that’s exactly what we will be and prey only eludes a predator by fearing it.  A mouse who has never known a snake before doesn’t fear it and will approach it with little caution.  The snake, a cold blooded predator, strikes without consideration and gets an easy meal.  This is how many of us will die during the first wave of a zombie outbreak.  We won’t recognize the zombie for what it is, a predator, and therefore we won’t fear it.  We’ll approach it without caution, maybe even in concern, thinking that a fellow human being needs our help, but what was once a warm blooded mammal is now a ruthless coldblooded reptilian like killer.  If we’re quick little mice, maybe we’ll get away, and fear will blossom in our hearts and teach us to keep away from the sick and stumbling.

Beware of the person who isn’t afraid.  If you happen to have one of these individuals in your group, get rid of them, they’ll only get you killed.  Some mice, for whatever reason, even after a snake has struck and missed, will approach the predator again and again, until the death blow is delivered.  My guess is that these mice are especially cocky, believing until the end that they can out muscle the snake.  They might get a few good bites and scratches in but alas, the snake almost always wins.  On the rare occasion that that snake doesn’t, a future one will.

Cockiness is catching, it’s why douchebags always travel in large packs.  Seeing one douchebag get lucky with a zombie may make others think they can too, which will only lead to deaths.  I don’t care how cool you think you are, no one is immune to a zombies appetite.

Apex predators have to be dealt with cautiously and with intelligence.  Fight back when you have to, but elude them as much as possible unless you have a well laid plan in place.  Many mice can potentially kill one snake but only by being smart about it.

Now, fear is different from cowardice.  Cowards are just as likely to die or get you killed as someone who is isn’t afraid.  Fear moves you, cowardice tends to cripple or blind you.

Harness your fear and use it to your advantage.  Do your best to control your fear.  Steady your hand, take a deep breath, and pull the trigger.  It’s ok to be afraid, you won’t be alone.  Even if you’re the last human on earth the little mice under the stairs will still be running from the snakes in the grass.

A follower of A Girls Guide, Jessica Eck Jennings, brought up a good topic today.  White it may be a bit icky (especially for the guys) we should think about what we’re going to do post ZPoc during our periods.

Think about it; it’s that wonderful time of the month, and for whatever reason, you’re outta tampons/pads/etc.

What do you do?

Back in the day, women used pieces of fabric to absorb the blood.  Often times these pieces were old rags which is where the term “On the rag” derives it’s origin.  Anyways, women would wear a bit in their undergarments, and when it was at capacity, they would swap it out for a fresh one, and clean that one.  Gross by our standards today, but just another part of being a women during “the good ol days”.  A lot of women in this world still do this.  Think about that for a second.

If you’re looking for a product to stash in your Oh Sh!t/Bug Out Bag I would opt for The Cup, even though I find the idea repugnant. If you’re not familiar with The Cup, it’s a reusable plastic cup thingy that you wear inside you that collect the blood.  When it’s full, you pull it out, rinse, and reuse.  Many brands state that their product will last for up to 10 years, in usage, making it a great feminine preppers item.

Kinda looks like a little plunger, doesn’t it?

Believe it or not, but with the movement towards Environmentally Friendly everything nowadays there are ladies who are opting for reusable cloth menstrual pads.  I myself am not one of these women and do not plan on becoming one unless forced to.  That said, here’s a couple links in case you’re interested: http://lunapads.com/and http://www.hillbillyhousewife.com/sanitarypads.htm.

Now, while I’m not ready or willing to make the switch to reusable, homemade pads right now, it does make me think that maybe I should I buy one of these products and put them in my Oh Sh!t bag just in case.

But what if using cloth isn’t an option?  My brain instantly goes to plant matter of some sort.  While I’ve been researching this, I’ve come across a few vague mentions of tribal women using plant matter but haven’t found a specific type of plant used (except wood pulp, but ouch!).

Some plant/natural matter I would try, if I were in such a situation would be:

  • Moss – It’s super absorbent and found in many different climates.  My main concern with this would be infection.  I would try sterilizing it somehow first, perhaps by boiling it.
  • Sea Sponge – There are manufacturers who make “natural menstrual pads” out of these critters right now so we know it’s a viable option but only if you’re lucky enough to live near an area where these exist.
  • Wool – If you come across some sheep…
  • Cotton – If you happen upon a cotton field…

Now, if we’re outta tampons I’m going to take a wild guess and say that medical attention is probably hard to come by, so I would refrain from trying to DIY yourself some tampons.  TSS or Toxic Shock Syndrome is not something you want to deal with at any time, but especially not with zombies trying to sniff you out.

 

Here are some links for you to check out if you’re interested:

http://www.keeper.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstrual_cup

http://www.alter-eco.info/tampon-alternatives.html

http://www.themakeyourownzone.com/2010/10/are-women-really-making-their-own.html

 

Our Fingernails

Breaking a nail is a bitch that we’ve all met before.

After spending weeks growing them and hours filing, buffing, and painting them, a freak accident with a car door handle occurs and you’re left with a mangled stub.  You cry out in disappointment and examine the ragged wreck, trying to comprehend what went wrong and if it is fixable, but alas, it is a lost cause.  If there’s someone with you, the inevitable whine “I broke a nail” slips from your pouting lips.

It’s a stereotype of women, us getting upset over a broken nail, and a stereotype that I’ll totally own up to.

Breaking a nail is a total pain in the ass NOT just because of aesthetics.  When one fingernail goes they all have to and our fingernails are tools we use for a host of everyday activities that suddenly become a lot more difficult without them.  They are extensions of our fingers.  Most men don’t get it because they keep their fingernails short and therefore aren’t used to using them.  When I cut my fingernails down I feel crippled and vulnerable.

Believe it or not I use them for more than tapping and scratching itches.  I can cut through box take with my natural nails, use them as a makeshift flat-head screwdriver, pick up tiny little things easier, stab through packaging seals, remove splinters, scrape things clean, use them as a toothpick, untie tight complicated knots, use them as pliers, the list keeps going.

I can also, when forced to, use them as a weapon of self-defense.  When my nails are long, you do not want me grabbing onto any fleshy bits.  I’ve inadvertently stabbed myself and inflicted wounds so I have no qualms about digging my mini daggers into an attackers soft spots.

No, I don’t advocate trying to kill a zombie with your fingernails, but you can fend off a human attacker if you’ve been disarmed of all other weapons.

Go for the eyes, groin, face, neck, and other delicate sensitive areas.  If your fingernails are your last resort, go for it.  Now is not the time to worry about breaking a nail.

Pre-Zpoc work on strengthening your natural nails with vitamins and polish treatments.  One of my personal favorites is the Sally Hansen brand nail strengtheners.

And the next time one breaks in the presence of a man don’t cry about breaking a nail, curse like a sailor that you “broke my post apocalypse finger extension tool”.

 

The Nail Clipper

I’m not saying only girls use them, that would be ridiculous, but we’re more likely to have some floating around in our purses, and theefore on us at all times. In a pinch, they can substitute for other tools until we can get our hands on something better.

You can use them for cutting small gauge wire, line, fabric, sutures, skin, and more.

Most are pretty tough and can be use to break glass.

If they come equipped with an affixed file with the little hook at the end (for cleaning under nails) then they can also serve as a weapon for close quarter combat. Just aim for the eyes and other exposed soft flesh such as the neck.

Other possible uses: makeshift screwdriver, scratching messages into hard surfaces, pliers, tweezers…

Have anymore uses? List them below.