Unlikely Female Zpoc Tool Numero Uno: The Tampon

C’mon ladies, we’re never without at least one of these babies right? The zombie apocalypse may put an end to paying the bills, having to go to work, obeying the speed limit, and putting up with your annoying neighbors crap, but it ain’t gonna stop Ms. Menses from rearing her bitchy little head every month.  If tampons aren’t already in your Oh Sh!t Bag you better run out to the store right now and go buy a box, throw them in there, and then finish reading my witty little musing.

If you’re like me, you have multiple purses for different occasions, and if you’re like me, you have an emergency tampon in each.  If you’re a girl, it’s a simple fact of life, that no matter how much we may hate, we learn to live with.  By 16 must of us are old pros at tucking a tampon up our sleeve so no boys see us walking to the bathroom with it.  Chris Angel and all his slight of hand Mindfreakyness can’t hold a flame to a twenty-something, miniskirt wearing, clutch holding, platform shoe strutting, goddess at the club who also happens to be on day two of a heavy flow cycle. Guys would watch, mesmerized by her movements, as she walked across the dark spans towards the restrooms, flanked by her two lovely girlfriend “assistants”, one slightly trailing, checking the rear.  They’d watch them disappear behind the door with the skirted blue little lady on it and then reappear after an appropriate amount of time, laughing and relaxed.  They’d never guess at the hidden contents of the assistants purse, the glance and all clear nod from the friend who walked behind, the hand off behind the closed door of the bathroom, the extraction and insertion that occurred quicker than any man would believe.  They’d never guess because they don’t want to know.  They like the mystery and the fantasy that real magic, in the form of a beautiful woman, can exist in their world.

We keep our feminine hygiene close but invisible.  If you’re a woman, you are probably less than twenty feet from a tampon or pad right now, right?  If you’re a guy who lives with a woman then you too are probably less than twenty feet from one as well.  If you’re a guy and still reading this then I commend you, I know what an icky subject most of you find this.

But it’s ok, because tampons have other practical, non-menstrual, uses as well.

You can also use tampons and feminine pads for:

  • Tinder or kindling for lighting a fire
  • Wound care
  • Stopping nosebleeds
  • Cleaning guns
  • Dental Cotton
  • Ear Pugs
  • Stopping any unwanted male attention in it’s tracks

Let’s also assume that zombies are attracted by the sent of blood.  Well then, we don’t want to be walking billboards to the undead hordes once a month do we?  If were sticking to this assumption and you’re into recycling then I’m just going to throw it out there that a used tampon would be excellent zombie bait.  Suck it up men, it’s just blood.

Yes, eventually we’ll have to get crafty and DIY our own tampons or pads but for awhile we’ll be alright.


If you know any other practical uses please share them in a comment.  I’d love to hear of any you can come up with.

  1. Jules says:

    One of our hosts mentioned to me that they used to use them to push into bullet wounds to slow the bleeding during wartime until they could get to the medic.

  2. SandySays1 says:

    Funny – Of course, we canines don’t use such things. However, Mrs. G, my human’s wife said that you’d done a great jobs of maximizing uses for the “monthly essential.”

  3. Sue says:

    I’ve heard of tampons being used for gunshot woulds over in the dessert by female troops. To the point of a male regiment bought a box and each now caries at least one on him for any patrol.

  4. Momofthewiseguy says:

    My son, punk that he is, has actually used a tampon for a nose bleed. It’s a horrible idea, don’t try it at home. As a tampon soaks up blood it expands- for your lady parts this isn’t a big deal- your nose on the other hand doesn’t stretch as easily.

  5. Heather says:

    Momofthewiseguy: Ha Ha ha. My sister did that exact same thing one time when we were younger. It’s one of our funny stories. She had the same experience as well with the swelling.

  6. Vic says:

    As a side note, the cotton can also act as a water filter. Used with a plastic bottle cut down to funnel it through, and you can make mud puddle water a lot cleaner and cleared possibly for drinking, or other needs. I also understand the applicator(?) works well as a straw, but I have yet to try it. The twine on the end also will work well to help set up simple traps (for catching food). It might take a bit of unwinding, or combining several strings, but when you need a piece of string, it will fill the bill.
    Very good article by the way, and thank you for sharing.

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