Archive for March, 2012

Unlikely Female Zpoc Tool Numero Uno: The Tampon

C’mon ladies, we’re never without at least one of these babies right? The zombie apocalypse may put an end to paying the bills, having to go to work, obeying the speed limit, and putting up with your annoying neighbors crap, but it ain’t gonna stop Ms. Menses from rearing her bitchy little head every month.  If tampons aren’t already in your Oh Sh!t Bag you better run out to the store right now and go buy a box, throw them in there, and then finish reading my witty little musing.

If you’re like me, you have multiple purses for different occasions, and if you’re like me, you have an emergency tampon in each.  If you’re a girl, it’s a simple fact of life, that no matter how much we may hate, we learn to live with.  By 16 must of us are old pros at tucking a tampon up our sleeve so no boys see us walking to the bathroom with it.  Chris Angel and all his slight of hand Mindfreakyness can’t hold a flame to a twenty-something, miniskirt wearing, clutch holding, platform shoe strutting, goddess at the club who also happens to be on day two of a heavy flow cycle. Guys would watch, mesmerized by her movements, as she walked across the dark spans towards the restrooms, flanked by her two lovely girlfriend “assistants”, one slightly trailing, checking the rear.  They’d watch them disappear behind the door with the skirted blue little lady on it and then reappear after an appropriate amount of time, laughing and relaxed.  They’d never guess at the hidden contents of the assistants purse, the glance and all clear nod from the friend who walked behind, the hand off behind the closed door of the bathroom, the extraction and insertion that occurred quicker than any man would believe.  They’d never guess because they don’t want to know.  They like the mystery and the fantasy that real magic, in the form of a beautiful woman, can exist in their world.

We keep our feminine hygiene close but invisible.  If you’re a woman, you are probably less than twenty feet from a tampon or pad right now, right?  If you’re a guy who lives with a woman then you too are probably less than twenty feet from one as well.  If you’re a guy and still reading this then I commend you, I know what an icky subject most of you find this.

But it’s ok, because tampons have other practical, non-menstrual, uses as well.

You can also use tampons and feminine pads for:

  • Tinder or kindling for lighting a fire
  • Wound care
  • Stopping nosebleeds
  • Cleaning guns
  • Dental Cotton
  • Ear Pugs
  • Stopping any unwanted male attention in it’s tracks

Let’s also assume that zombies are attracted by the sent of blood.  Well then, we don’t want to be walking billboards to the undead hordes once a month do we?  If were sticking to this assumption and you’re into recycling then I’m just going to throw it out there that a used tampon would be excellent zombie bait.  Suck it up men, it’s just blood.

Yes, eventually we’ll have to get crafty and DIY our own tampons or pads but for awhile we’ll be alright.

 

If you know any other practical uses please share them in a comment.  I’d love to hear of any you can come up with.

Makeup.  I’ve always said that it’s never been about other peoples perception of me but something that makes me feel more confident in myself and I’m fairly confident that most other women feel the same way.  In short, makeup is our warpaint.

For centuries, tribes and indigenous hunters have been “painting” their faces in all sorts of manners in order to strike fear in their opponents, camouflage themselves from their prey, and evoke the spirits of totem animals and deities to help conquer their enemies or succeed in the hunt.  But what it all boiled down to was that this war paint boosted their confidence.  It made them feel more brave and powerful.

Us women carry on this tradition today, albeit in a more modern setting.  Most of us spend at least a few minutes a day applying mascara, eye shadow, maybe a little bit of coverup, and some lipstick if we’re feeling a little fancy, before we leave the house and embark on whatever adventures the day has to offer. Why?  Because it makes us feel more confident and powerful.

For instance, most days I wear a bit of mascara and eyeliner.  That’s it.  Recently, I went on a job interview where I knew that my interview was going to be conducted by two women.  I wore my usual mascara and eyeliner but I also added a bit of eyeshadow and lipstick to the mix.  It wasn’t so that they would think “oh my, isn’t she pretty”, it was for me.  I needed to feel a bit more confident in myself that day.  Just in case you’re wondering, I got the job too.

What does this have to do with the zombie apocalypse?  Makeup can become our literal war paint.

I don’t care if anyone thinks it’s stupid or a waste of time; I’ll be putting on my mascara and eyeliner along with some eye shadow and some bright red lipstick if I’m feeling especially scared.  It’s not for them.  It’s not for the zombies.  It’s for me.  It’s my war paint.  It’s my channeling of my inner Amazon.  My evocation of the Valkyries.  My call to honor of every woman who fought before me.  When I look into my own eyes as I apply a black sliver of paint to my lids I won’t see a terrified little girl but generations of strong, confident, tough bitches who never went down without a fight.  And if I do go down, at least I’ll look good doing it.