Weapon of the Week: Chainsaw

Posted: February 2, 2012 in Weapon of the Week
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Weapon of the Week: Chainsaw

Right off the bat I’m going to say no.

NO.  NO.  NO. NO. NO.

Don’t even consider it.

Sure they look cool, and what girl doesn’t dream about brandishing a shiny pink Hello Kitty (yes they exist) chainsaw and lopping off some undead heads while guys look on in awe?  No?  Just me?

The fact of the matter is don’t waste your money, time, and strength with one of these unless you need to cut down a tree or have some major renovating to do.

Yes, you’ll look like a total badass as you swing one of these beasts around but it’ll only last, for like, 2 minutes tops, before the handle gets slippery with blood, your arms get tired, the thing slips, and slices into your leg and you go down while a mob of nasty corpses start nomming on your fleshy bits.

I tried to find a pic of a cute guy with a chainsaw but Google Image Search was being a dick.

The thing is, chainsaws are heavy.  The lightweight ones still weigh around 10lbs and frankly those are crap and probably wouldn’t hold up too well in the long run of things during a Zpoc.  They also require fuel to run, so not only do you have to lug the thing around you also have to make sure you have fuel for it and carry extra of that.  Lastly, their freakin loud!  We all know that zombies are attracted to sound and if you have to kill one you better do it quietly or else others are likely to find you.

Now, if you’re trapped in a gardening shed, surrounded by zombies, and you’re outta ammo and you just happen to find a working chainsaw, then fine, let the bugger rip!  Slice through as many bastards as you can and then drop the heavy metal, grab your empty gun, and hightail it out of there!

For the price of a chainsaw you might as well just buy yourself a used rifle and machete and call it a day.  The only thing these are good for, other than some serious hardcore landscaping, is flair.  That’s right, FLAIR.  Which means, you’ll only look cool, you won’t actually be cool.

The only person cool enough to wield one of these is Bruce Campbell and let’s be honest, neither you or I are as cool as Bruce.

If you don't know who this then you have a lot to learn about life

So how does it rate?

  • Ease of Use = 5
  • Size & Weight = 1
  • Durability = 5
  • Availability = 7
  • Cost  = 3

Overall Score = 4


Frankly, I wanted to give it a big ol whopping ø but that just didn’t seem fair.


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