Archive for February, 2012

Rule #11: Aim for the Head

Yeah, I recognize that this rule should have come a little sooner but frankly it kinda slipped my mind so, from here on out, we’re just gonna say that these rules are not in any particular order even though they are numbered.

That said, come the zombie apocalypse, when everyone is freaking out and trying to pretend that the monsters they are seeing are not zombies, remember this: AIM FOR THE HEAD.

If the horror genre has taught us anything it is: wooden stakes kill vampires, silver bullets kill werewolves, a psycho killer is never really dead the first time you think you killed him, and that to kill a zombie you must destroy it’s brain.  So, the first time a slavering corpse tries to treat you like a Big Mac, thump the fucker in the head and be done with it.  You have a better chance at surviving if you just go for the head right off the bat rather than testing if body shots will do the job.  No matter how tempting it may be to aim for the larger body target, you’ll only be wasting your time, ammunition, strength, and putting your life at risk.

A lot of people are going to be in complete denial when the outbreak starts.  Many will refuse to believe the reality that zombies do exist and that they are trying to eat you.  Those people will most likely put round after round into the torso of an approaching zombie and scream “WHY WON’T YOU DIE” as the clip empties and their gun becomes useless.  A moment of sheer terror will grip them as the realization of what is coming their way floods their consciousness.  Maybe they still have enough time to get away.  Maybe the monster is too close now and their questioning scream is delivered as the corpse digs its teeth into their neck.  Maybe the shock is too much and they pee themselves and passed out only to wake up while their small intestines are ripped from a hole clawed into their stomachs.  Alas, it all could have been avoided with one well placed head shot.

Maybe we’re wrong.  Maybe its not zombies that are trying to kill us or maybe you can kill a zombie by shooting it in the heart.  Who knows.  What do we know for sure?  A head shot is a pretty good guarantee of death to most living creatures.  So take a deep breath, steady your shot, and aim for the head people.

 

 

 

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Weapon of the Week: Fragmentation Hand Grenade

Right off the bat, I just don’t feel right about this one as an effective weapon against the undead.  We all know that Zombie Rule #1 is to aim for the head since the only way to kill a zombie is to destroy its brain.  A grenade is meant to kill and/or maim through the use of high velocity shrapnel/fragmentation projections.  Since a person is mostly body, statistically, those fragments are more likely to hit the torso, legs, and arms than they are the head.

That doesn’t mean a grenade can’t be useful.  If you’re surrounded by a horde or need to clear a path through one and have a few grenades on hand they may just be the thing you need.  However, since a grenade’s stopping power has everything to do with an explosive spray of dangerous debris you have to exercise caution when using one.  Unlike a fired bullet, a grenade’s shrapnel explodes in all directions so you better be sure that your throwing arm is in good enough condition to lob it far enough away from you and any friendly’s.

Redefining the saying "You throw like a girl"

If anyone’s ever told you “You throw like a girl” punch them in the gut for being an ignorant asshole and then take a close look at your skills as a pitcher.  It’s probably best that for now you don’t appoint yourself as the teams grenadier.  The M67 Fragmentation Hand Grenade (which is what the US Military currently uses) has a 5 meter (17 ft) killing radius and a 15 meter (50 ft) effective casualty-producing radius with fragmentation having a possibility of reaching up to 230 meters.  The average US soldier can throw the M67 grenade 35 meters (115.5 ft).

The M67 weighs 14oz (or just under 1lb) so my advice to anyone who wants to test themselves is to buy a 1lb ball and practice throwing it.  You can find them easy peasy online by just googling “1lb ball” and you’ll come up with a few different options to choose from like this: http://amzn.com/B000EMU3CY.  Just make sure that whichever one you choose, it’s the appropriate size as some of those balls are a lot bigger than they look in their initial pictures.

To think that zombies are going to be your only enemy during the Zpoc is naive.  There are bad people out there.  When society crumbles it will bring out the best and worst of us.  Get it in your head now that you will have to deal with the worst of mankind.  During an event like the zombie apocalypse we’ll be faced with having to fight off monsters of the living and the dead variety.  Grenades will be an effective tool against the living monsters out there.

They’re light, portable, and highly effective killing tools against living flesh.  But, unless you’re crazy stupid cool enough to have an NFA Destructive Device permit you won’t be able to stockpile a single one of these.  So, the only way your getting your grubby little fingers on these is if, after the Zpoc has started, you happen upon a deserted military post.

 

So how does it rate?

  • Ease of use = 9
  • Accuracy = 3
  • Size & Weight = 10
  • Reliability = 8
  • Fire Power =  8

Overall Score: 7.6

An excellent resource for more info on use, types, care, and deployment of grenades can be found here: http://www.umass.edu/armyrotc/Training/grenades.pdf

Rule #10: Never EVER Say “I’ll be right back”

Unless, that is, you want to die an agonizing horrific death just out of sight from whoever you said that to.

Listen, if there’s a bunch of weirdness going on like news reports telling you to stay inside,  rumors going around of people viciously attacking other people, creepy music eerily playing in the background, and you hear a strange noise outside, just stay put.  Do not poke your head out the door and start playing around with the thought of investigating the noise.  And when the person or people you’re with urge you to stay inside, don’t shush them and say “It’s ok, I’ll be right back”, because guess what?  You won’t.  Uttering those words is like reciting an incantation that pretty much makes your death a certainty.

In fact, we should just remove this phrase from our lexicon all together.  Whether it’s zombies, psycho killers, catastrophic natural disasters, or super sad dramatic movies where someone has to die in the beginning in order for the star to find true love, this phrase will get you every time.

So, instead of saying “I’ll be right back” maybe it would be a better idea to go with “I hope to be back in a minute but if I’m not, it’s safe to assume I’ve been dismembered by ravenous corpses”.

Weapon of the Week: 1911 Pistol

She’s lean, she’s mean, she’s over a 100 years old.  The fact that this pistol was first made in the early 1900’s speaks volumes to its design that it’s still a top seller today.  I know many of my firearm aficionados out there own one (at least) and most will swear by them.

It was designed by the legendary gunsmith John M Browning for Colt’s Manufacturing Company to fill the need for a self loading semi-automatic pistol.  It was officially adopted by US Army on March 29, 1911 as it’s standard issue side arm and from that point on was called the M1911.  Initially manufactured only by Colt, with each war we fought, demand branched production out, until the 1911 was a model that almost every gun manufacturer produced.  It was the main sidearm of the US Armed forces for 70+ years and is still used by some branches and special forces today.  She’s also used by some Federal branches, state, and local law enforcement, and by some foreign military’s.

It’s a favorite gun of competition shooters and can be customized to an individual shooters liking.  D, my firearms expert, has been building his custom 1911, adding a little bit here and there, for the past year now and I got to say, she’s a sexy little bitch and a ton of fun to shoot.  In fact, an entire manufacturing industry blew up around custom 1911 parts, pieces, and bling.  Google image search “custom 1911” and prepare to drool.

The .45 caliber pistol has a standard 7 round magazine but you can purchase 8 round after-market mags, so at best you’re going to have 9 rounds (if you keep one in the chamber) to defend yourself with before you have to reload.  She’s a big girl too.  A fully loaded (with 1 ready to go) is gonna weigh around 2.5lbs, with each additional 8 round magazine weighing in at 1/4lb. Her length is 8.25in so there’s no slipping her in a pocket and calling it a day; where ever she is on your body, you’re going to know it.

She’s a bit more trouble to take apart for cleaning than most pistols and a common complaint is that the 1911 is “too safe”.  Why?  It has two safeties; a beavertail or grip safety (which is built into the handle of the gun and must be depressed in order for the gun to fire) and a manual safety switch.  While I understand the complaint, for me personally I like this feature.  I’m not an expert with guns and most everyday people are not, so the more safety features a gun has the more comfortable I am around it.  And, if you’re going to purchase a gun for personal protection, GET FUCKING COMFORTABLE WITH IT!  Make sure you know how to disengage the safeties so if you have to use it, you’re not fumbling around trying to figure it out.

The price on these guns varies widely depending on what you want out of her.  You can get cheap, simple models for around $400 and super crazy cool ones for well over $1000.  Then again, you can always buy a cheap model and turn her into your own crazy cool one over time when funds permit.

Overall, she’s rugged and reliable; if she wasn’t, then the US Military wouldn’t have bothered with her for all this time, marksmen wouldn’t sink thousands of dollars into customizing their own, and every firearm manufacturer in existence wouldn’t produce her.  She’s stood the test of time and proved herself worthy and capable of protecting our asses.

So, how does the 1911 rate?

  • Ease of use = 7
  • Accuracy = 9
  • Size & Weight = 6
  • Reliability = 8
  • Ammo Availability = 8.5
  • Fire Power =  6
  • Cost (for pre-apocalypse procurement) = 5

Overall Score: 7

Rule #9:  All People Are Created Equal During the Zombie Apocalypse

Well, all people are created equal at all times BUT if you’re stupid enough to be a racist during the present you better wise the eff up come Zday, because all political, religious, racial, sexual, cultural bullshit WON’T MATTER ANYMORE!

A zombie doesn’t give a rats ass what race, religion, or sexual orientation you are, it’s going to try and eat you regardless!

It will simply be us versus them. And by “us” I mean any human that still has a pulse and “them” being the zombies.  Black, white, brown, light brown, super pale, ginger, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish, Atheist, Flying Spaghetti Monster…ist, straight, homosexual, asexual, bi-curious, and seemingly normal; none of those labels will matter anymore.  The only label that will matter is the one of Alive.

Now, I’m not saying that your faith won’t matter.  Of course it will matter.  For those that do have faith, many will find comfort in it.  Many will also probably question it, but whatever, to each their own.

What I’m saying is, you better let go of any stereotypes you might hold against people not like you because we’re all gonna need all the help we can get.  If you’re going to turn down a helping hand or not offer one to another human because they’re not like you then you’ve already lost the fight my friend.

Juan of the Dead

Just because someone isn’t like you doesn’t meant that they don’t have anything to contribute.  We all come with certain skill sets, and while you may know a lot about a lot, I can guarantee that you don’t know everything about everything, and if you’re holding onto a misguided notion that you’re better than someone else because of a label then I think it’s safe to say you are an idiot.  It’s ok, idiots still have their purpose; mainly as zombie bait.

A pandemic like the zpoc is going to wipe out most of humanity.  It will be a great leveling of the playing field for all of us.  If you’re unwilling to “mix” then guess what?  Your genes are only going to waste away in a swirling pool of inbred grossness.  So while the rest of us contribute to a new and beautiful breed of people your offspring will eventually look like this:

Weapon of the Week: Chainsaw

Right off the bat I’m going to say no.

NO.  NO.  NO. NO. NO.

Don’t even consider it.

Sure they look cool, and what girl doesn’t dream about brandishing a shiny pink Hello Kitty (yes they exist) chainsaw and lopping off some undead heads while guys look on in awe?  No?  Just me?

The fact of the matter is don’t waste your money, time, and strength with one of these unless you need to cut down a tree or have some major renovating to do.

Yes, you’ll look like a total badass as you swing one of these beasts around but it’ll only last, for like, 2 minutes tops, before the handle gets slippery with blood, your arms get tired, the thing slips, and slices into your leg and you go down while a mob of nasty corpses start nomming on your fleshy bits.

I tried to find a pic of a cute guy with a chainsaw but Google Image Search was being a dick.

The thing is, chainsaws are heavy.  The lightweight ones still weigh around 10lbs and frankly those are crap and probably wouldn’t hold up too well in the long run of things during a Zpoc.  They also require fuel to run, so not only do you have to lug the thing around you also have to make sure you have fuel for it and carry extra of that.  Lastly, their freakin loud!  We all know that zombies are attracted to sound and if you have to kill one you better do it quietly or else others are likely to find you.

Now, if you’re trapped in a gardening shed, surrounded by zombies, and you’re outta ammo and you just happen to find a working chainsaw, then fine, let the bugger rip!  Slice through as many bastards as you can and then drop the heavy metal, grab your empty gun, and hightail it out of there!

For the price of a chainsaw you might as well just buy yourself a used rifle and machete and call it a day.  The only thing these are good for, other than some serious hardcore landscaping, is flair.  That’s right, FLAIR.  Which means, you’ll only look cool, you won’t actually be cool.

The only person cool enough to wield one of these is Bruce Campbell and let’s be honest, neither you or I are as cool as Bruce.

If you don't know who this then you have a lot to learn about life

So how does it rate?

  • Ease of Use = 5
  • Size & Weight = 1
  • Durability = 5
  • Availability = 7
  • Cost  = 3

Overall Score = 4

 

Frankly, I wanted to give it a big ol whopping ø but that just didn’t seem fair.