Archive for January, 2012

Rule #8: Safety in Numbers

There is a reason that most living things live in packs, herds, flocks, schools, colonies, etc.  It’s because the more of you there are, the less likely YOU will be killed if a predator comes along.

The same goes for humans during the zombie apocalypse.

It all boils down to statistics.  If there are 10 people in your group and  a zombie wanders into your camp with the result of 1 person being killed by said zombie before it’s put down, you have a 1 in 1o chance of being killed.  If there are only 2 in your camp you have a 50% chance of dying.  So, your chances of survival are increased as you increase the size of your group.  Unless you are surrounded by idiots, then your chances probably decrease unless you have the mindset to use them as zombie bait…

Some people out there have the mindset of every man for him/herself.  That philosophy is dangerously flawed when it comes to scenarios that involve a predator as ruthless and plentiful as the zombie.  The fact of the matter is, going it alone will only get you killed (faster).

Probably not a Phlebotomist

Another advantage to adding numbers to your survival group is skill sets.  We each have certain skills, knowledge, and abilities that can be useful, even if it’s as simple a skill as being able to lift heavy things.  With each individual you add to your group, you also add that persons skill sets which you and others can benefit from.  And you never know when a french speaking Phlebotomist who likes to dabble in late 18th century expressionist pastels might come in handy.  Actually, a Phlebotomist would probably be a pretty handy person to have around.

The more people you have in your group the better you can defend yourselves against marauders, zombie hordes, and other threats.  You can organize hunting parties, scavenger hunts (not the fun kind), and round the clock security for your camps perimeter.

The cost of adding more people to your group?  Each individuals needs for food, water, shelter, and security.  The more people you have the more resources you need, so make sure everyone is pulling their own weight and if they’re not…well, we can always go back to the zombie bait idea.

Weapon of the Week: Baseball Bat

It pretty much goes without saying that if you live in America, you have a baseball bat somewhere in your house or garage and you’ve probably played some form of baseball at some time during your life.  Hell, I’m one of the least sporty people I know and even I’ve played softball.

We all know that to put a zombie down all it takes is a fatal blow to the head/brain.  This can be accomplished with a firearm, blade, or blunt force trauma.  Now, if you’re preparing for the zombie apocalypse you probably have a few guns, a machete, and some random blades stashed away in your home, but what about your car?  Unless you have a Concealed Weapons Permit it’s not a good idea to be driving around with a gun in your car and most Police Officers aren’t going to be too thrilled with finding a machete either.  You know what they can’t say too much about (unless it has blood on it)?  A baseball bat.

He's ready for zombies

As a melee weapon it doesn’t get any simpler than this.  A baseball bat is a club; probably the first weapon us homo sapiens ever used.  It’s meant to hit something and cause damage.  It’s the simplest weapon anyone can use; you simply hold it and swing.  Three year olds play T-ball with them, so even your kids can use them as defense against the undead.  You just need decent upped body strength to deliver a kill shot, so get them muscles workin ladies!

They’re lightweight, weighing in at around 1kg or 2.2 lbs.  You can carry them in your backpack, though they’ll stick out a bit, or modify a scabbard for them.  They’re also cheap as hell.  If you don’t already own one you can find a decent bat, like a Louisville Slugger, for around $30 on ebay.

Not only are they used in the all American sport of baseball but they’re also one of the most common tools/weapons of assholes commiting crimes of assault and property damage.  How do we know they’ll be good for bashing a zombies brain in?  Well, just Google “Baseball Bat Crime Statistics” and read the article headlines and I think you’ll get your answer (WARNING: It’s pretty ugly stuff).  I know I did.

Some people like to modify them into maces by piercing them with nails or wrapping them in barb wire but my instincts say that this will greatly affect the composition of the bat and make it more likely to splinter after a hit.  I’m not keen on having it stick into a zombies skull either and having to pry it out.  I’d rather just bounce it off the dead bastards head and be able to swing it again as many times as need be.

So how does it rate?

  • Ease of Use = 10
  • Size & Weight = 9
  • Durability = 7
  • Availability = 10
  • Cost  = 10

Overall Score = 9

Bonus: If Vampires are afoot you can fashion it into a stake

Rule #7: Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

Now, I’ve never fully comprehended the meaning of this phrase except to figure that a complete clean freak wanted everyone around him or her to feel bad for not keeping themselves or their home clean.  I’m all for a tidy home and for regular bathing but I’m not a Nazi about it and chances are, if you drop in unexpectedly, I’ll have wish I had vacuumed, picked up some stray socks, and piled up the weeks junk mail that gets strewn across my dining room table.

The reason I have chosen “Cleanliness is Next to Godliness” as our 7th rule is, come the zombie apocalypse it’ll be a lot easier to let personal hygiene and supply maintenance slip.  But, even while we are retreating from the hordes of flesh hungry undead, we cannot ignore the following when it comes it cleanliness:

1.  GUNS – Firearm maintenance is of the utmost importance.  I cannot stress to you how imperative it is to keep your guns clean.  Failure to do so can result in:

A.  Jams

B. Decreased accuracy from powder and lead fouling

C. Misfires

D. Your gun blowing up in your face

So get to know your firearm.  Learn how to disassemble and reassemble it.  Make a habit of cleaning it after every use.  The longer gun powder sits in your gun the less reliable and safe your firearm becomes.  I don’t care if you’re running from zombies, YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR GUN CLEAN.  Hopefully you have more than one gun on you so you can clean one but still have one to shoot if you’re ambushed.

2.  YOU – When society disintegrates we will no longer have access to modern medicine the way we do now.  Simple cuts and little wounds can become serious hazards if you don’t keep them clean.  Everyone should have at least a simple First Aid Kit in their Oh Sh!t Bag with some alcohol, iodine, and bandages.  Simple cleanliness will help reduce your exposure to dangerous bacteria and infections.

Don’t shrug off washing out a small cut or abrasion.  If that thing becomes infected you could experience: fever, nausea, dizziness, and excessive tiredness.  I don’t know about you but I’d rather not be any of those things with zombies lurking about.  Bath when you can and try and wash or clean your hands the best you can before ingesting food.  Lets face it, our personal hygiene is going to take a serious beating come ZDay and if we don’t at least try and clean our hands before we use them to stuff whatever food we can find into our mouths we’ll be ingesting all sorts of things other than food.

And what’s going to happen when our tummies don’t feel so hot or that cut on our arm starts to ooze grossness?  There will be no such thing as Emergency Rooms or Doctor visits come ZDay.  Maybe, hopefully, someone will have some antibiotics but I wouldn’t count on it.  And if the reason you’re hurting is because you neglected the basic principals of hygiene…well maybe whoever does have meds would rather save them for someone worthy of them.

So, while we can scoff at the old adage Cleanliness is Next to Godliness now, come ZDay ignoring some forms of cleanliness is just going to buy you a ticket to the big guy in they sky a whole lot sooner.

Weapon of the Week: The Riot Shot Gun

Remington 870 – Mossberg 500 – Winchester 1200/1300

They’re names you know and love and chances are, if you don’t own one, you know someone who does.

Probably the most common firearm in the United States, they’re used by the military, law enforcement, outdoors men & women, and Joe Schmoe next door so he can protect whats his.  These are your everyday, run of the mill shotguns customized to kick some serious ass.  What makes a shotgun “tactical” and/or “riot”?  A shortened barrel and stock which makes them more maneuverable and easy to handle and therefore easier to get away from zombies while carrying and firing over your shoulder.

Planning for the zombie apocalypse?  Get yourself a shotgun (along with a few other things).  Yeah they’re loud and don’t hold too many rounds at a time but I’ll tell you something, I’d rather have a 9mm pointed at me than the bitch in the picture above.  If you load one of these pretty little girls full of buckshot and fire a round off, it’s like firing nine .32 caliber bullets at once.  So zombies and pillagers alike, beware of the bitch with one of these.

The reason I love these guns…I have horrible aim.  I really shouldn’t admit that and I’m working on getting better, but as of right now, I f#cking suck.  But with one of these badass bitches in my grasp, I’m just as deadly as the next gal.  What?  Your aim is just fine?  Try aiming at a moving object while you’re trying to run away.  Yeah, have fun with that.  Now, I’m not saying you don’t have to aim, of course you have to aim, you just don’t have to worry about it as much.

Summer Glau

If you’re going to be a sissy and complain about the kick these ladies deliver then you’re most likely going to get eaten by zombies anyways so you’re no use to us.  This is the gun most twelve year old boys cut their gums on and its what Grandpa has stashed under the bed, so if little Timmy and Grandpa Joe can handle em, we can too.

They take 12 gauge ammo which is hard NOT to find but if you need help locating some, first check your attic, then go to Walmart or any other superstore.

For easier transport, invest a few dollars in a Shotgun Scabbard.  They cost around $40 and attach nicely to Alice Packs and other similar bags.  I bought a Voodoo Tactical Shotgun Scabbard off Amazon.com as a Christmas gift for my boyfriend and it’s perfect, plus super cool looking.

The thing I like least about these firearms is their round capacity.  They hold on average  5 – 8 rounds at a time and are tricky to reload so I would not use one of these as my primary weapon.  But it’s ok, procuring of these beauties is easy.  You can buy used models for around $100 and brand spankin new ones for around $350.

As always, do your own research and be careful when buying online from a private individual.

So, how does the Riot Shotgun rate?

  • Ease of use = 7
  • Accuracy = 9
  • Size & Weight = 8
  • Reliability = 7
  • Ammo Availability = 10
  • Fire Power = 9
  • Cost (for pre-apocalypse procurement) = 10

Overall Score: 8.5

Added Bonus:  Feeling like a total badass bitch like Summer Glau up there.

Rule #6: If it’s dead, let it go.

This is going to be the hardest, shittiest lesson we’re all going to have to learn.  The alternative?  A short life ending in a brutal nasty death.

I think us girls are going to have a harder time with this one than the guys, because whether we like it or not, we have that annoying motherly instinct naturally hardwired into our brains.  God help the parents out there come Zday; I can barely comprehend what they will have to endure and the choices they will have to make.

To be honest, I’m having a hard time writing this one.

When fantasizing about the zombie apocalypse I think most of us imagine ourselves escaping the flesh hungry hordes with our favorite companions.  But what if…what if they die?  Will you be able to leave them?  If you can’t, you’re not going to last long.  Either whatever got them is going to get you or they are going to turn and get you themselves.

We have to remember that once someone is dead, they’re gone.  And while it might hurt like hell it’s going to hurt a lot more when they try to eat you.  No amount of crying and wondering why is going to bring them back or make their death ok.

It sucks, but it’s time to run now.

This weeks Weapon of the Week: SIG Sauer P226 9mm

This indomitable pistol is where it’s at folks.  If you’re going to choose only one handgun to carry during the zombie apocalypse please, for the love of whatever you find holy, choose the SIG Sauer P226.

She’s the preferred handgun worldwide for Special Forces Units and only one of two guns (Beretta 92F) to successfully pass the US military’s XM9 Service Pistol Trials that were held in 1984 to determine which pistol would be our military’s standard.  Alas, the Beretta won, but by a slim margin and owing mainly to price and the fact that SIG’s needed to be imported back then.  Flash forward to present days and the SIG is now what any department worth a damn that has a little bit of cash carries.  Some of those departments/forces include: US Secret Service, DEA, Navy Seals, FBI, Homeland Security, Army, NYPD, and many many more.

What makes the SIG Sauer P226 so amazing?  It won’t give up.

D, my weapons expert, has had one for nearly a decade now, has put several thousand rounds of ammo through her, and has NEVER had a single jam.  She’s also one of the most accurate pistols in the world.  And what’s more important than reliability and accuracy in any firearm that you’re betting your life on?

Need more convincing?  It’s a 9mm.  THE EASIEST AMMO TO FIND IN THE WORLD

They also come in .22, .40, and .357 models BUT most experts agree that the .9mm is the one to go with.

It’s a dual action pistol which means that it does not have a manual safety.  Instead, it relies on a hammer and heavy trigger pull to prevent misfires.  This means that to get the gun to fire all you have to do is pull the trigger BUT you’re going to have to do one of two things before your first bullet is fired: cock the hammer back or squeeze the shit out of the trigger.  So, while there won’t be any fumbling with a safety during a zombie attack, you do have to be a little extra cautious when handling a loaded P226.  Now that I think of it, you should be extra cautious when handling ANY loaded gun.

Her standard magazine holds 15 rounds though 20 round mags are available so you can drop quite a few zombies before having to worry about reloading.

The P226’s worst quality?  It’s big, heavy (2+ lbs), and hard to conceal, but it’s not like zombies give a shit if you’re carrying, and with a decent holster your fellow humans won’t spot it either.

There are a ton of P226 models out there and SIG is constantly evolving their prize pistol.  You can buy one used or brand new and they are everywhere.  Depending on which model you want and if your buying new or used, the price varries from as little as $500 to as much as a few thousand.

As always, do your own research and be careful when buying online from a private individual.

So, how does the SIG Sauer P226 rate?

Officer Bennet from Silent Hill with her trusty P226

  • Ease of use = 9
  • Accuracy = 10
  • Size & Weight = 7
  • Reliability = 10
  • Ammo Availability = 10
  • Fire Power = 7
  • Cost (for pre-apocalypse procurement) = 8

Overall Score: 8.7

Rule #5: Go With Your Gut.  If someone’s going to get you killed, it might as well be you.

I hope to God that when the Zombie Apocalypse begins I’m not alone.  That said, I also hope I don’t end up with a bunch of idiots.

If you’re in a group scenario and someone comes up with a plan that you don’t feel good about, SPEAK UP!  Now I’ve never been one to go along with something that didn’t sit right with me but peer pressure is a bitch and during a stressful situation, such as a zombie apocalypse, it can be easy to second guess yourself and go with the group.  DON’T.  Unless you’re the idiot and they’re the smart ones.  Then do what they say.

Everyone is going to be playing this game off pure instinct and what we know from the movies.  Now, military might have a slightly higher advantage, but even they will have a hard time wrapping their brains around what’s going on.  So, don’t trust Mr. I’m Going to Take Charge Now Because I’ve Played Every Zombie Video Game In Existence; he doesn’t know shit, and his name is too long.  He has no idea if the old warehouse is fortifiable or if there are twenty zombies on the upper floor just waiting for some yummy looking man flesh to happen by.  If your gut is telling you stay as far away as possible from that warehouse, do it.  Chances are, others in your group feel the same way and you might just save more than your own ass.

Now is not the time to play the damsel in distress!  She never makes it past the first act.  You know who does?  The girl most if us aspire to be.  The Badass Bitch.  Not the bitchy bitch who no one likes, but the girl who pays attention, stays calm, uses her head, and picks up the rifle and starts shooting when shit goes down.

Now, I recognize that yours and my survival is gauged by sheer chance and that most of us are probably going to end up as steak tar tar for a rotting corpse, but I’m going to be damned if I do so because of someone else’s stupid mistake.

If anyone’s going to get me killed it’s going to be me.

Zombie Attack by Anarkyman found on Deviantart.com