Posts Tagged ‘zombies’

and You Unintentionally Start the Zombie Apocalypse

This has more to do with pre-zombie apocalypse life than post-poc survival but it could still be a life or death lesson.

Lets face it, the best possible explanation for a zombie apocalypse has to be a virus of some sort; a crazy mutated strain of some barely pronounceable bacteria that infects it’s host and drives it to bite an uninfected host in order to transmit itself and spread throughout a population.  Max Brooks used this scenario in World War Z as did the writers of 28 Days Later, to name two that you’ve probably heard of.

Since this is the most likely cause of a zombie like apocalypse I think we should heed this warning: It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt and you unintentionally start the zombie apocalypse.

What am I talking about?  How could you, an ordinary citizen, accidentally be the cause of the world being overrun by flesh hungry walking corpses?

Answer me this: Have you ever exacted revenge on someone by doing something gross to their toothbrush?  Have you ever considered it?  Do you know someone who has? Do you see where I’m going with this?

Here’s a little story to illustrate my point:  There once was a lady named Sharon.  She worked at the local rinky dink zoo and was recently transferred to the bat house where they had just been given a donation of several very exotic bats from somewhere in the deep jungles of South America.  Now, Sharon’s boyfriend HATED bats and Sharon had recently discovered that said boyfriend was a cheating sonofabitch, so one day she snagged the assholes toothbrush and used it to clean one of her new little battys.  As she did so she giggled and relished in the fantasy of telling him what she did after she let him use the tainted brush for a few days.

Now, Sharons boyfriend, while a cheating douchebag, was never an angry or aggressive guy, but after a few days of letting him use the spoiled oral instrument, Sharon started to notice a change in his demeanor; a sort of twitchiness and moodiness that made him snap at her for no reason.  Sharon was really looking forward to dumping him in the most epic break-up ever.  Finally one night before bed, after he brushed his teeth one more time she told him, “You know what honey?  While I’ve known for a while now that you’re a cheating bastard, you’ve been oblivious to the fact that I used your toothbrush to clean one of the bats at the zoo several days ago.  You’ve been using it ever since”.  Sharon smiled as he ran into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet, his entire body heaving, as the contents of his stomach made their way back up.

She laughed when he collapsed onto the floor and began moaning.  But then something curious happened.  His body started to convulse; twisting unnaturally as his moans turned into pain filled agonized cries.  Sharon ran to him to see what was wrong.  She dialed 911 and held her breath when the seizure finally stopped along with his heart.  She put her head down and cried as she waited for EMS.  She didn’t see him start to move again and therefore never had the chance to defend herself when he grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him.  She screamed as he tore open her neck with his teeth and as the blood emptied from her body her final thought as she left the world of the living was “Fucking Bats!”.  Ten minutes later the EMS arrived and were happy to see that everyone seemed alright…except the woman seemed to be suffering from a large neck wound and “Miss are you alright?”…poor guys never stood a chance.

Moral of the story?  The next time you think about messing with someone’s toothbrush, no matter what they did to deserve it, consider the billions of lives that may be lost as a result.  If that doesn’t bother you, know this: The cause of the virus NEVER survives it.  EVER.

Rule #14: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

If you’re not scared out of your wits come the zombie apocalypse then you’re fucking insane.  That’s the only reasonable excuse anyone would have.

It’s fun to fantasize about sure, but if it did really happen; if the corpses of our friends, family, neighbors, and strangers alike began attacking us and trying to eat us, only a fool wouldn’t be terrified.

But it’s ok, because fear is a useful emotion.  Fear is what has been keeping us alive for eons.  It’s fear of death and injury that keeps us safe.  And it’s fear that will continue to do so after the zombie apocalypse has begun. We’re not used to being prey but that’s exactly what we will be and prey only eludes a predator by fearing it.  A mouse who has never known a snake before doesn’t fear it and will approach it with little caution.  The snake, a cold blooded predator, strikes without consideration and gets an easy meal.  This is how many of us will die during the first wave of a zombie outbreak.  We won’t recognize the zombie for what it is, a predator, and therefore we won’t fear it.  We’ll approach it without caution, maybe even in concern, thinking that a fellow human being needs our help, but what was once a warm blooded mammal is now a ruthless coldblooded reptilian like killer.  If we’re quick little mice, maybe we’ll get away, and fear will blossom in our hearts and teach us to keep away from the sick and stumbling.

Beware of the person who isn’t afraid.  If you happen to have one of these individuals in your group, get rid of them, they’ll only get you killed.  Some mice, for whatever reason, even after a snake has struck and missed, will approach the predator again and again, until the death blow is delivered.  My guess is that these mice are especially cocky, believing until the end that they can out muscle the snake.  They might get a few good bites and scratches in but alas, the snake almost always wins.  On the rare occasion that that snake doesn’t, a future one will.

Cockiness is catching, it’s why douchebags always travel in large packs.  Seeing one douchebag get lucky with a zombie may make others think they can too, which will only lead to deaths.  I don’t care how cool you think you are, no one is immune to a zombies appetite.

Apex predators have to be dealt with cautiously and with intelligence.  Fight back when you have to, but elude them as much as possible unless you have a well laid plan in place.  Many mice can potentially kill one snake but only by being smart about it.

Now, fear is different from cowardice.  Cowards are just as likely to die or get you killed as someone who is isn’t afraid.  Fear moves you, cowardice tends to cripple or blind you.

Harness your fear and use it to your advantage.  Do your best to control your fear.  Steady your hand, take a deep breath, and pull the trigger.  It’s ok to be afraid, you won’t be alone.  Even if you’re the last human on earth the little mice under the stairs will still be running from the snakes in the grass.

That’s right ladies, one perk to the zombie apocalypse: NO MORE DIETS!!

No more diets, worrying about eating healthy, counting calories, or feeling guilty about splurging on a little sumthin sumthin late at night.  Another perk?  We’ll probably be able to drop those pesky few (or more) pounds with a quickness once we’re spending most of our time running from the blood thirsty hordes.

Now of course that doesn’t mean to splurge all you want now; no, we do have to be careful.  We need to make sure that we CAN outrun the zombies once they start chasing us.  This means exercising now.

Sorry, I hate it too.  But it’s just part of the deal.  Cardio, resistance, and endurance training.  The holy trinity of Pre-Zpoc fitness.

But lets get back to the fun stuff. 

Once again…YAY, NO MORE DIETS!!!!!!!!!!

Lets just bask in the beauty of that statement for a moment…

 

Ok, now that we’re all feeling a little bit better about zombies overrunning the earth, lets agree on one thing: While calorie count won’t matter anymore, body count will.  If you find a stray snickers bar don’t think twice, just eat the damn thing!  And when several zombies wander into your camp DON’T THINK TWICE, just shoot the bastards!

You have to be prepared to kill any threat to your and your fellow survivors safety.  Take pride in your body count.  Strive to have one of the highest in your group.  Come up with new and improved ways to dispatch the enemy.  Become a huntress (or hunter for you dudes); a warrior queen who salivates for the kill.

Not only will you feel more confident in yourself, it’s common knowledge that the warriors and hunters of any tribe are the best fed of the bunch.

Unlikely Female Zpoc Tool Numero Uno: The Tampon

C’mon ladies, we’re never without at least one of these babies right? The zombie apocalypse may put an end to paying the bills, having to go to work, obeying the speed limit, and putting up with your annoying neighbors crap, but it ain’t gonna stop Ms. Menses from rearing her bitchy little head every month.  If tampons aren’t already in your Oh Sh!t Bag you better run out to the store right now and go buy a box, throw them in there, and then finish reading my witty little musing.

If you’re like me, you have multiple purses for different occasions, and if you’re like me, you have an emergency tampon in each.  If you’re a girl, it’s a simple fact of life, that no matter how much we may hate, we learn to live with.  By 16 must of us are old pros at tucking a tampon up our sleeve so no boys see us walking to the bathroom with it.  Chris Angel and all his slight of hand Mindfreakyness can’t hold a flame to a twenty-something, miniskirt wearing, clutch holding, platform shoe strutting, goddess at the club who also happens to be on day two of a heavy flow cycle. Guys would watch, mesmerized by her movements, as she walked across the dark spans towards the restrooms, flanked by her two lovely girlfriend “assistants”, one slightly trailing, checking the rear.  They’d watch them disappear behind the door with the skirted blue little lady on it and then reappear after an appropriate amount of time, laughing and relaxed.  They’d never guess at the hidden contents of the assistants purse, the glance and all clear nod from the friend who walked behind, the hand off behind the closed door of the bathroom, the extraction and insertion that occurred quicker than any man would believe.  They’d never guess because they don’t want to know.  They like the mystery and the fantasy that real magic, in the form of a beautiful woman, can exist in their world.

We keep our feminine hygiene close but invisible.  If you’re a woman, you are probably less than twenty feet from a tampon or pad right now, right?  If you’re a guy who lives with a woman then you too are probably less than twenty feet from one as well.  If you’re a guy and still reading this then I commend you, I know what an icky subject most of you find this.

But it’s ok, because tampons have other practical, non-menstrual, uses as well.

You can also use tampons and feminine pads for:

  • Tinder or kindling for lighting a fire
  • Wound care
  • Stopping nosebleeds
  • Cleaning guns
  • Dental Cotton
  • Ear Pugs
  • Stopping any unwanted male attention in it’s tracks

Let’s also assume that zombies are attracted by the sent of blood.  Well then, we don’t want to be walking billboards to the undead hordes once a month do we?  If were sticking to this assumption and you’re into recycling then I’m just going to throw it out there that a used tampon would be excellent zombie bait.  Suck it up men, it’s just blood.

Yes, eventually we’ll have to get crafty and DIY our own tampons or pads but for awhile we’ll be alright.

 

If you know any other practical uses please share them in a comment.  I’d love to hear of any you can come up with.

Makeup.  I’ve always said that it’s never been about other peoples perception of me but something that makes me feel more confident in myself and I’m fairly confident that most other women feel the same way.  In short, makeup is our warpaint.

For centuries, tribes and indigenous hunters have been “painting” their faces in all sorts of manners in order to strike fear in their opponents, camouflage themselves from their prey, and evoke the spirits of totem animals and deities to help conquer their enemies or succeed in the hunt.  But what it all boiled down to was that this war paint boosted their confidence.  It made them feel more brave and powerful.

Us women carry on this tradition today, albeit in a more modern setting.  Most of us spend at least a few minutes a day applying mascara, eye shadow, maybe a little bit of coverup, and some lipstick if we’re feeling a little fancy, before we leave the house and embark on whatever adventures the day has to offer. Why?  Because it makes us feel more confident and powerful.

For instance, most days I wear a bit of mascara and eyeliner.  That’s it.  Recently, I went on a job interview where I knew that my interview was going to be conducted by two women.  I wore my usual mascara and eyeliner but I also added a bit of eyeshadow and lipstick to the mix.  It wasn’t so that they would think “oh my, isn’t she pretty”, it was for me.  I needed to feel a bit more confident in myself that day.  Just in case you’re wondering, I got the job too.

What does this have to do with the zombie apocalypse?  Makeup can become our literal war paint.

I don’t care if anyone thinks it’s stupid or a waste of time; I’ll be putting on my mascara and eyeliner along with some eye shadow and some bright red lipstick if I’m feeling especially scared.  It’s not for them.  It’s not for the zombies.  It’s for me.  It’s my war paint.  It’s my channeling of my inner Amazon.  My evocation of the Valkyries.  My call to honor of every woman who fought before me.  When I look into my own eyes as I apply a black sliver of paint to my lids I won’t see a terrified little girl but generations of strong, confident, tough bitches who never went down without a fight.  And if I do go down, at least I’ll look good doing it.

 

Rule #11: Aim for the Head

Yeah, I recognize that this rule should have come a little sooner but frankly it kinda slipped my mind so, from here on out, we’re just gonna say that these rules are not in any particular order even though they are numbered.

That said, come the zombie apocalypse, when everyone is freaking out and trying to pretend that the monsters they are seeing are not zombies, remember this: AIM FOR THE HEAD.

If the horror genre has taught us anything it is: wooden stakes kill vampires, silver bullets kill werewolves, a psycho killer is never really dead the first time you think you killed him, and that to kill a zombie you must destroy it’s brain.  So, the first time a slavering corpse tries to treat you like a Big Mac, thump the fucker in the head and be done with it.  You have a better chance at surviving if you just go for the head right off the bat rather than testing if body shots will do the job.  No matter how tempting it may be to aim for the larger body target, you’ll only be wasting your time, ammunition, strength, and putting your life at risk.

A lot of people are going to be in complete denial when the outbreak starts.  Many will refuse to believe the reality that zombies do exist and that they are trying to eat you.  Those people will most likely put round after round into the torso of an approaching zombie and scream “WHY WON’T YOU DIE” as the clip empties and their gun becomes useless.  A moment of sheer terror will grip them as the realization of what is coming their way floods their consciousness.  Maybe they still have enough time to get away.  Maybe the monster is too close now and their questioning scream is delivered as the corpse digs its teeth into their neck.  Maybe the shock is too much and they pee themselves and passed out only to wake up while their small intestines are ripped from a hole clawed into their stomachs.  Alas, it all could have been avoided with one well placed head shot.

Maybe we’re wrong.  Maybe its not zombies that are trying to kill us or maybe you can kill a zombie by shooting it in the heart.  Who knows.  What do we know for sure?  A head shot is a pretty good guarantee of death to most living creatures.  So take a deep breath, steady your shot, and aim for the head people.

 

 

 

Weapon of the Week: Fragmentation Hand Grenade

Right off the bat, I just don’t feel right about this one as an effective weapon against the undead.  We all know that Zombie Rule #1 is to aim for the head since the only way to kill a zombie is to destroy its brain.  A grenade is meant to kill and/or maim through the use of high velocity shrapnel/fragmentation projections.  Since a person is mostly body, statistically, those fragments are more likely to hit the torso, legs, and arms than they are the head.

That doesn’t mean a grenade can’t be useful.  If you’re surrounded by a horde or need to clear a path through one and have a few grenades on hand they may just be the thing you need.  However, since a grenade’s stopping power has everything to do with an explosive spray of dangerous debris you have to exercise caution when using one.  Unlike a fired bullet, a grenade’s shrapnel explodes in all directions so you better be sure that your throwing arm is in good enough condition to lob it far enough away from you and any friendly’s.

Redefining the saying "You throw like a girl"

If anyone’s ever told you “You throw like a girl” punch them in the gut for being an ignorant asshole and then take a close look at your skills as a pitcher.  It’s probably best that for now you don’t appoint yourself as the teams grenadier.  The M67 Fragmentation Hand Grenade (which is what the US Military currently uses) has a 5 meter (17 ft) killing radius and a 15 meter (50 ft) effective casualty-producing radius with fragmentation having a possibility of reaching up to 230 meters.  The average US soldier can throw the M67 grenade 35 meters (115.5 ft).

The M67 weighs 14oz (or just under 1lb) so my advice to anyone who wants to test themselves is to buy a 1lb ball and practice throwing it.  You can find them easy peasy online by just googling “1lb ball” and you’ll come up with a few different options to choose from like this: http://amzn.com/B000EMU3CY.  Just make sure that whichever one you choose, it’s the appropriate size as some of those balls are a lot bigger than they look in their initial pictures.

To think that zombies are going to be your only enemy during the Zpoc is naive.  There are bad people out there.  When society crumbles it will bring out the best and worst of us.  Get it in your head now that you will have to deal with the worst of mankind.  During an event like the zombie apocalypse we’ll be faced with having to fight off monsters of the living and the dead variety.  Grenades will be an effective tool against the living monsters out there.

They’re light, portable, and highly effective killing tools against living flesh.  But, unless you’re crazy stupid cool enough to have an NFA Destructive Device permit you won’t be able to stockpile a single one of these.  So, the only way your getting your grubby little fingers on these is if, after the Zpoc has started, you happen upon a deserted military post.

 

So how does it rate?

  • Ease of use = 9
  • Accuracy = 3
  • Size & Weight = 10
  • Reliability = 8
  • Fire Power =  8

Overall Score: 7.6

An excellent resource for more info on use, types, care, and deployment of grenades can be found here: http://www.umass.edu/armyrotc/Training/grenades.pdf