Posts Tagged ‘zombies’

Unlikely Female Zpoc Tool Numero Uno: The Tampon

C’mon ladies, we’re never without at least one of these babies right? The zombie apocalypse may put an end to paying the bills, having to go to work, obeying the speed limit, and putting up with your annoying neighbors crap, but it ain’t gonna stop Ms. Menses from rearing her bitchy little head every month.  If tampons aren’t already in your Oh Sh!t Bag you better run out to the store right now and go buy a box, throw them in there, and then finish reading my witty little musing.

If you’re like me, you have multiple purses for different occasions, and if you’re like me, you have an emergency tampon in each.  If you’re a girl, it’s a simple fact of life, that no matter how much we may hate, we learn to live with.  By 16 must of us are old pros at tucking a tampon up our sleeve so no boys see us walking to the bathroom with it.  Chris Angel and all his slight of hand Mindfreakyness can’t hold a flame to a twenty-something, miniskirt wearing, clutch holding, platform shoe strutting, goddess at the club who also happens to be on day two of a heavy flow cycle. Guys would watch, mesmerized by her movements, as she walked across the dark spans towards the restrooms, flanked by her two lovely girlfriend “assistants”, one slightly trailing, checking the rear.  They’d watch them disappear behind the door with the skirted blue little lady on it and then reappear after an appropriate amount of time, laughing and relaxed.  They’d never guess at the hidden contents of the assistants purse, the glance and all clear nod from the friend who walked behind, the hand off behind the closed door of the bathroom, the extraction and insertion that occurred quicker than any man would believe.  They’d never guess because they don’t want to know.  They like the mystery and the fantasy that real magic, in the form of a beautiful woman, can exist in their world.

We keep our feminine hygiene close but invisible.  If you’re a woman, you are probably less than twenty feet from a tampon or pad right now, right?  If you’re a guy who lives with a woman then you too are probably less than twenty feet from one as well.  If you’re a guy and still reading this then I commend you, I know what an icky subject most of you find this.

But it’s ok, because tampons have other practical, non-menstrual, uses as well.

You can also use tampons and feminine pads for:

  • Tinder or kindling for lighting a fire
  • Wound care
  • Stopping nosebleeds
  • Cleaning guns
  • Dental Cotton
  • Ear Pugs
  • Stopping any unwanted male attention in it’s tracks

Let’s also assume that zombies are attracted by the sent of blood.  Well then, we don’t want to be walking billboards to the undead hordes once a month do we?  If were sticking to this assumption and you’re into recycling then I’m just going to throw it out there that a used tampon would be excellent zombie bait.  Suck it up men, it’s just blood.

Yes, eventually we’ll have to get crafty and DIY our own tampons or pads but for awhile we’ll be alright.

 

If you know any other practical uses please share them in a comment.  I’d love to hear of any you can come up with.

Makeup.  I’ve always said that it’s never been about other peoples perception of me but something that makes me feel more confident in myself and I’m fairly confident that most other women feel the same way.  In short, makeup is our warpaint.

For centuries, tribes and indigenous hunters have been “painting” their faces in all sorts of manners in order to strike fear in their opponents, camouflage themselves from their prey, and evoke the spirits of totem animals and deities to help conquer their enemies or succeed in the hunt.  But what it all boiled down to was that this war paint boosted their confidence.  It made them feel more brave and powerful.

Us women carry on this tradition today, albeit in a more modern setting.  Most of us spend at least a few minutes a day applying mascara, eye shadow, maybe a little bit of coverup, and some lipstick if we’re feeling a little fancy, before we leave the house and embark on whatever adventures the day has to offer. Why?  Because it makes us feel more confident and powerful.

For instance, most days I wear a bit of mascara and eyeliner.  That’s it.  Recently, I went on a job interview where I knew that my interview was going to be conducted by two women.  I wore my usual mascara and eyeliner but I also added a bit of eyeshadow and lipstick to the mix.  It wasn’t so that they would think “oh my, isn’t she pretty”, it was for me.  I needed to feel a bit more confident in myself that day.  Just in case you’re wondering, I got the job too.

What does this have to do with the zombie apocalypse?  Makeup can become our literal war paint.

I don’t care if anyone thinks it’s stupid or a waste of time; I’ll be putting on my mascara and eyeliner along with some eye shadow and some bright red lipstick if I’m feeling especially scared.  It’s not for them.  It’s not for the zombies.  It’s for me.  It’s my war paint.  It’s my channeling of my inner Amazon.  My evocation of the Valkyries.  My call to honor of every woman who fought before me.  When I look into my own eyes as I apply a black sliver of paint to my lids I won’t see a terrified little girl but generations of strong, confident, tough bitches who never went down without a fight.  And if I do go down, at least I’ll look good doing it.

 

Rule #11: Aim for the Head

Yeah, I recognize that this rule should have come a little sooner but frankly it kinda slipped my mind so, from here on out, we’re just gonna say that these rules are not in any particular order even though they are numbered.

That said, come the zombie apocalypse, when everyone is freaking out and trying to pretend that the monsters they are seeing are not zombies, remember this: AIM FOR THE HEAD.

If the horror genre has taught us anything it is: wooden stakes kill vampires, silver bullets kill werewolves, a psycho killer is never really dead the first time you think you killed him, and that to kill a zombie you must destroy it’s brain.  So, the first time a slavering corpse tries to treat you like a Big Mac, thump the fucker in the head and be done with it.  You have a better chance at surviving if you just go for the head right off the bat rather than testing if body shots will do the job.  No matter how tempting it may be to aim for the larger body target, you’ll only be wasting your time, ammunition, strength, and putting your life at risk.

A lot of people are going to be in complete denial when the outbreak starts.  Many will refuse to believe the reality that zombies do exist and that they are trying to eat you.  Those people will most likely put round after round into the torso of an approaching zombie and scream “WHY WON’T YOU DIE” as the clip empties and their gun becomes useless.  A moment of sheer terror will grip them as the realization of what is coming their way floods their consciousness.  Maybe they still have enough time to get away.  Maybe the monster is too close now and their questioning scream is delivered as the corpse digs its teeth into their neck.  Maybe the shock is too much and they pee themselves and passed out only to wake up while their small intestines are ripped from a hole clawed into their stomachs.  Alas, it all could have been avoided with one well placed head shot.

Maybe we’re wrong.  Maybe its not zombies that are trying to kill us or maybe you can kill a zombie by shooting it in the heart.  Who knows.  What do we know for sure?  A head shot is a pretty good guarantee of death to most living creatures.  So take a deep breath, steady your shot, and aim for the head people.

 

 

 

Weapon of the Week: Fragmentation Hand Grenade

Right off the bat, I just don’t feel right about this one as an effective weapon against the undead.  We all know that Zombie Rule #1 is to aim for the head since the only way to kill a zombie is to destroy its brain.  A grenade is meant to kill and/or maim through the use of high velocity shrapnel/fragmentation projections.  Since a person is mostly body, statistically, those fragments are more likely to hit the torso, legs, and arms than they are the head.

That doesn’t mean a grenade can’t be useful.  If you’re surrounded by a horde or need to clear a path through one and have a few grenades on hand they may just be the thing you need.  However, since a grenade’s stopping power has everything to do with an explosive spray of dangerous debris you have to exercise caution when using one.  Unlike a fired bullet, a grenade’s shrapnel explodes in all directions so you better be sure that your throwing arm is in good enough condition to lob it far enough away from you and any friendly’s.

Redefining the saying "You throw like a girl"

If anyone’s ever told you “You throw like a girl” punch them in the gut for being an ignorant asshole and then take a close look at your skills as a pitcher.  It’s probably best that for now you don’t appoint yourself as the teams grenadier.  The M67 Fragmentation Hand Grenade (which is what the US Military currently uses) has a 5 meter (17 ft) killing radius and a 15 meter (50 ft) effective casualty-producing radius with fragmentation having a possibility of reaching up to 230 meters.  The average US soldier can throw the M67 grenade 35 meters (115.5 ft).

The M67 weighs 14oz (or just under 1lb) so my advice to anyone who wants to test themselves is to buy a 1lb ball and practice throwing it.  You can find them easy peasy online by just googling “1lb ball” and you’ll come up with a few different options to choose from like this: http://amzn.com/B000EMU3CY.  Just make sure that whichever one you choose, it’s the appropriate size as some of those balls are a lot bigger than they look in their initial pictures.

To think that zombies are going to be your only enemy during the Zpoc is naive.  There are bad people out there.  When society crumbles it will bring out the best and worst of us.  Get it in your head now that you will have to deal with the worst of mankind.  During an event like the zombie apocalypse we’ll be faced with having to fight off monsters of the living and the dead variety.  Grenades will be an effective tool against the living monsters out there.

They’re light, portable, and highly effective killing tools against living flesh.  But, unless you’re crazy stupid cool enough to have an NFA Destructive Device permit you won’t be able to stockpile a single one of these.  So, the only way your getting your grubby little fingers on these is if, after the Zpoc has started, you happen upon a deserted military post.

 

So how does it rate?

  • Ease of use = 9
  • Accuracy = 3
  • Size & Weight = 10
  • Reliability = 8
  • Fire Power =  8

Overall Score: 7.6

An excellent resource for more info on use, types, care, and deployment of grenades can be found here: http://www.umass.edu/armyrotc/Training/grenades.pdf

Rule #10: Never EVER Say “I’ll be right back”

Unless, that is, you want to die an agonizing horrific death just out of sight from whoever you said that to.

Listen, if there’s a bunch of weirdness going on like news reports telling you to stay inside,  rumors going around of people viciously attacking other people, creepy music eerily playing in the background, and you hear a strange noise outside, just stay put.  Do not poke your head out the door and start playing around with the thought of investigating the noise.  And when the person or people you’re with urge you to stay inside, don’t shush them and say “It’s ok, I’ll be right back”, because guess what?  You won’t.  Uttering those words is like reciting an incantation that pretty much makes your death a certainty.

In fact, we should just remove this phrase from our lexicon all together.  Whether it’s zombies, psycho killers, catastrophic natural disasters, or super sad dramatic movies where someone has to die in the beginning in order for the star to find true love, this phrase will get you every time.

So, instead of saying “I’ll be right back” maybe it would be a better idea to go with “I hope to be back in a minute but if I’m not, it’s safe to assume I’ve been dismembered by ravenous corpses”.

Weapon of the Week: 1911 Pistol

She’s lean, she’s mean, she’s over a 100 years old.  The fact that this pistol was first made in the early 1900′s speaks volumes to its design that it’s still a top seller today.  I know many of my firearm aficionados out there own one (at least) and most will swear by them.

It was designed by the legendary gunsmith John M Browning for Colt’s Manufacturing Company to fill the need for a self loading semi-automatic pistol.  It was officially adopted by US Army on March 29, 1911 as it’s standard issue side arm and from that point on was called the M1911.  Initially manufactured only by Colt, with each war we fought, demand branched production out, until the 1911 was a model that almost every gun manufacturer produced.  It was the main sidearm of the US Armed forces for 70+ years and is still used by some branches and special forces today.  She’s also used by some Federal branches, state, and local law enforcement, and by some foreign military’s.

It’s a favorite gun of competition shooters and can be customized to an individual shooters liking.  D, my firearms expert, has been building his custom 1911, adding a little bit here and there, for the past year now and I got to say, she’s a sexy little bitch and a ton of fun to shoot.  In fact, an entire manufacturing industry blew up around custom 1911 parts, pieces, and bling.  Google image search “custom 1911″ and prepare to drool.

The .45 caliber pistol has a standard 7 round magazine but you can purchase 8 round after-market mags, so at best you’re going to have 9 rounds (if you keep one in the chamber) to defend yourself with before you have to reload.  She’s a big girl too.  A fully loaded (with 1 ready to go) is gonna weigh around 2.5lbs, with each additional 8 round magazine weighing in at 1/4lb. Her length is 8.25in so there’s no slipping her in a pocket and calling it a day; where ever she is on your body, you’re going to know it.

She’s a bit more trouble to take apart for cleaning than most pistols and a common complaint is that the 1911 is “too safe”.  Why?  It has two safeties; a beavertail or grip safety (which is built into the handle of the gun and must be depressed in order for the gun to fire) and a manual safety switch.  While I understand the complaint, for me personally I like this feature.  I’m not an expert with guns and most everyday people are not, so the more safety features a gun has the more comfortable I am around it.  And, if you’re going to purchase a gun for personal protection, GET FUCKING COMFORTABLE WITH IT!  Make sure you know how to disengage the safeties so if you have to use it, you’re not fumbling around trying to figure it out.

The price on these guns varies widely depending on what you want out of her.  You can get cheap, simple models for around $400 and super crazy cool ones for well over $1000.  Then again, you can always buy a cheap model and turn her into your own crazy cool one over time when funds permit.

Overall, she’s rugged and reliable; if she wasn’t, then the US Military wouldn’t have bothered with her for all this time, marksmen wouldn’t sink thousands of dollars into customizing their own, and every firearm manufacturer in existence wouldn’t produce her.  She’s stood the test of time and proved herself worthy and capable of protecting our asses.

So, how does the 1911 rate?

  • Ease of use = 7
  • Accuracy = 9
  • Size & Weight = 6
  • Reliability = 8
  • Ammo Availability = 8.5
  • Fire Power =  6
  • Cost (for pre-apocalypse procurement) = 5

Overall Score: 7

Rule #9:  All People Are Created Equal During the Zombie Apocalypse

Well, all people are created equal at all times BUT if you’re stupid enough to be a racist during the present you better wise the eff up come Zday, because all political, religious, racial, sexual, cultural bullshit WON’T MATTER ANYMORE!

A zombie doesn’t give a rats ass what race, religion, or sexual orientation you are, it’s going to try and eat you regardless!

It will simply be us versus them. And by “us” I mean any human that still has a pulse and “them” being the zombies.  Black, white, brown, light brown, super pale, ginger, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish, Atheist, Flying Spaghetti Monster…ist, straight, homosexual, asexual, bi-curious, and seemingly normal; none of those labels will matter anymore.  The only label that will matter is the one of Alive.

Now, I’m not saying that your faith won’t matter.  Of course it will matter.  For those that do have faith, many will find comfort in it.  Many will also probably question it, but whatever, to each their own.

What I’m saying is, you better let go of any stereotypes you might hold against people not like you because we’re all gonna need all the help we can get.  If you’re going to turn down a helping hand or not offer one to another human because they’re not like you then you’ve already lost the fight my friend.

Juan of the Dead

Just because someone isn’t like you doesn’t meant that they don’t have anything to contribute.  We all come with certain skill sets, and while you may know a lot about a lot, I can guarantee that you don’t know everything about everything, and if you’re holding onto a misguided notion that you’re better than someone else because of a label then I think it’s safe to say you are an idiot.  It’s ok, idiots still have their purpose; mainly as zombie bait.

A pandemic like the zpoc is going to wipe out most of humanity.  It will be a great leveling of the playing field for all of us.  If you’re unwilling to “mix” then guess what?  Your genes are only going to waste away in a swirling pool of inbred grossness.  So while the rest of us contribute to a new and beautiful breed of people your offspring will eventually look like this:

Weapon of the Week: Chainsaw

Right off the bat I’m going to say no.

NO.  NO.  NO. NO. NO.

Don’t even consider it.

Sure they look cool, and what girl doesn’t dream about brandishing a shiny pink Hello Kitty (yes they exist) chainsaw and lopping off some undead heads while guys look on in awe?  No?  Just me?

The fact of the matter is don’t waste your money, time, and strength with one of these unless you need to cut down a tree or have some major renovating to do.

Yes, you’ll look like a total badass as you swing one of these beasts around but it’ll only last, for like, 2 minutes tops, before the handle gets slippery with blood, your arms get tired, the thing slips, and slices into your leg and you go down while a mob of nasty corpses start nomming on your fleshy bits.

I tried to find a pic of a cute guy with a chainsaw but Google Image Search was being a dick.

The thing is, chainsaws are heavy.  The lightweight ones still weigh around 10lbs and frankly those are crap and probably wouldn’t hold up too well in the long run of things during a Zpoc.  They also require fuel to run, so not only do you have to lug the thing around you also have to make sure you have fuel for it and carry extra of that.  Lastly, their freakin loud!  We all know that zombies are attracted to sound and if you have to kill one you better do it quietly or else others are likely to find you.

Now, if you’re trapped in a gardening shed, surrounded by zombies, and you’re outta ammo and you just happen to find a working chainsaw, then fine, let the bugger rip!  Slice through as many bastards as you can and then drop the heavy metal, grab your empty gun, and hightail it out of there!

For the price of a chainsaw you might as well just buy yourself a used rifle and machete and call it a day.  The only thing these are good for, other than some serious hardcore landscaping, is flair.  That’s right, FLAIR.  Which means, you’ll only look cool, you won’t actually be cool.

The only person cool enough to wield one of these is Bruce Campbell and let’s be honest, neither you or I are as cool as Bruce.

If you don't know who this then you have a lot to learn about life

So how does it rate?

  • Ease of Use = 5
  • Size & Weight = 1
  • Durability = 5
  • Availability = 7
  • Cost  = 3

Overall Score = 4

 

Frankly, I wanted to give it a big ol whopping ø but that just didn’t seem fair.

 

Rule #8: Safety in Numbers

There is a reason that most living things live in packs, herds, flocks, schools, colonies, etc.  It’s because the more of you there are, the less likely YOU will be killed if a predator comes along.

The same goes for humans during the zombie apocalypse.

It all boils down to statistics.  If there are 10 people in your group and  a zombie wanders into your camp with the result of 1 person being killed by said zombie before it’s put down, you have a 1 in 1o chance of being killed.  If there are only 2 in your camp you have a 50% chance of dying.  So, your chances of survival are increased as you increase the size of your group.  Unless you are surrounded by idiots, then your chances probably decrease unless you have the mindset to use them as zombie bait…

Some people out there have the mindset of every man for him/herself.  That philosophy is dangerously flawed when it comes to scenarios that involve a predator as ruthless and plentiful as the zombie.  The fact of the matter is, going it alone will only get you killed (faster).

Probably not a Phlebotomist

Another advantage to adding numbers to your survival group is skill sets.  We each have certain skills, knowledge, and abilities that can be useful, even if it’s as simple a skill as being able to lift heavy things.  With each individual you add to your group, you also add that persons skill sets which you and others can benefit from.  And you never know when a french speaking Phlebotomist who likes to dabble in late 18th century expressionist pastels might come in handy.  Actually, a Phlebotomist would probably be a pretty handy person to have around.

The more people you have in your group the better you can defend yourselves against marauders, zombie hordes, and other threats.  You can organize hunting parties, scavenger hunts (not the fun kind), and round the clock security for your camps perimeter.

The cost of adding more people to your group?  Each individuals needs for food, water, shelter, and security.  The more people you have the more resources you need, so make sure everyone is pulling their own weight and if they’re not…well, we can always go back to the zombie bait idea.

Weapon of the Week: Baseball Bat

It pretty much goes without saying that if you live in America, you have a baseball bat somewhere in your house or garage and you’ve probably played some form of baseball at some time during your life.  Hell, I’m one of the least sporty people I know and even I’ve played softball.

We all know that to put a zombie down all it takes is a fatal blow to the head/brain.  This can be accomplished with a firearm, blade, or blunt force trauma.  Now, if you’re preparing for the zombie apocalypse you probably have a few guns, a machete, and some random blades stashed away in your home, but what about your car?  Unless you have a Concealed Weapons Permit it’s not a good idea to be driving around with a gun in your car and most Police Officers aren’t going to be too thrilled with finding a machete either.  You know what they can’t say too much about (unless it has blood on it)?  A baseball bat.

He's ready for zombies

As a melee weapon it doesn’t get any simpler than this.  A baseball bat is a club; probably the first weapon us homo sapiens ever used.  It’s meant to hit something and cause damage.  It’s the simplest weapon anyone can use; you simply hold it and swing.  Three year olds play T-ball with them, so even your kids can use them as defense against the undead.  You just need decent upped body strength to deliver a kill shot, so get them muscles workin ladies!

They’re lightweight, weighing in at around 1kg or 2.2 lbs.  You can carry them in your backpack, though they’ll stick out a bit, or modify a scabbard for them.  They’re also cheap as hell.  If you don’t already own one you can find a decent bat, like a Louisville Slugger, for around $30 on ebay.

Not only are they used in the all American sport of baseball but they’re also one of the most common tools/weapons of assholes commiting crimes of assault and property damage.  How do we know they’ll be good for bashing a zombies brain in?  Well, just Google “Baseball Bat Crime Statistics” and read the article headlines and I think you’ll get your answer (WARNING: It’s pretty ugly stuff).  I know I did.

Some people like to modify them into maces by piercing them with nails or wrapping them in barb wire but my instincts say that this will greatly affect the composition of the bat and make it more likely to splinter after a hit.  I’m not keen on having it stick into a zombies skull either and having to pry it out.  I’d rather just bounce it off the dead bastards head and be able to swing it again as many times as need be.

So how does it rate?

  • Ease of Use = 10
  • Size & Weight = 9
  • Durability = 7
  • Availability = 10
  • Cost  = 10

Overall Score = 9

Bonus: If Vampires are afoot you can fashion it into a stake