Archive for the ‘Femininity & Zombies’ Category

60869032434314500_Of02beaY_bInside each woman is a princess.  Inside each man is a hero.

Every now and then we need to let these little bits of us play.

Scene: We see a spider and we overreact, calling for our hero to come slay the ugly beast! Hurry! Hurry! Come quick! GIANT spider!!!!!!! (there’s no such thing as a small spider, fyi).  Our hero dashes into the room, shouting for a tissue!  We toss a Kleenex in his (or her) direction and watch horrified as it flutters to the ground, out of his reach!  Hurry!!  It’s getting away!!!!  The hero dashes for the fallen tissue, spins, and squashes, er, VANQUISHES the foe!  We both sigh and look with disgust at the crumpled tissue.  Thank you honey, and you kiss.  Flush it, don’t toss it, ok?  I know! - end scene.

But it was just a little house spider, and though we feel a little guilty about its unnecessary death, we got what we needed, and that is reassurance that our hero still deems us worth saving.

Men, NEVER stop coming to your woman’s rescue.  Whether it’s a tiny house spider or a flesh eating zombie, always be her hero.

Women, NEVER stop asking to be rescued.  Men need to be our heroes every now and again and that’s a good thing.

Showing fear doesn’t mean you’re helpless.  Who shows up to calm your fears shows you who truly cares.

A man who won’t kill a spider for me will never be my man.

 

I should note, just in case anyone who knows me reads this, D kills all my spiders and centipedes if I ask him to : )

mary-poppinsAh, the purse!  Who among us hasn’t referenced Mary Poppins magical carpet bag that held everything from a tape-measure to a coat rack, while digging through their own much less whimsical version in search of something as mundane as car keys?  Or perhaps the younger among us may compare their shoulder bags to Hermione’s Undetectable Extension Charmed purse that kept books, a tent, clothes, and an assortment of other items safe for the Hogwarts crew.  While these movies may be based in fantasy, us ladies know that these particular bits have a note of truth to them.

Long before we ever started prepping for zombies we were already carrying around mini survival bags on our shoulders.  Whether we ever realized it or not, many of us carry well packed Oh Sh!t Bags (Bug Out Bags) around with us wherever we go.  In this department, we have quite a big advantage over the men, who often times only have a wallet on them.

He can hold my purse any day.

He can hold my purse any day.

Some of the men out there will be quick to add that they have, at all times, a much better survival bag hidden in their car that could keep them alive and well for months on end.  So I would like to point out that those bags are in the car and not carried with them wherever they go.  What if, in the midst of a disaster your car is stolen?  Or if you’re in a building that’s put on lock down?  Or out with a friend who was the one to drive?  While our purses may not be the most perfect of all Oh Sh!t Bags, they’ll do quite well in a pinch.  So, if you’re a man and the lady you’re with asks you to hold her purse for a moment, don’t roll your eyes or feel emasculated, instead hold tight to that bag, for it may just save your life one day.  If you doubt me, ask a lady in your life to dump out her purse.  Now prepare to be amazed!

Ladies, think about the contents of your purse for a moment.  I bet that you have at least 1 bandaid, a few OTC painkillers, some sort of blade (pocket knife, small scissors, nail clippers-yes they count, etc), tampons or maxi-pads, a pen, paper scraps (like receipts or a small pad for fire tinder and message not-an-organized-purse-by-eyesogreenleaving/sending), a random food item(s), wallet with credit cards, cell phone, car & house keys, gloves if it’s winter, some form of makeup, and hand sanitizer, all of which can be helpful and necessary in the event of an emergency.  Now, those are just the items I’d bet money that you have in your purse right now, but I’d also bet money that you have a few other useful items that you could use if the shit hit the fan.

For those of you who are moms, you probably can put the rest of us to shame with the amount of supplies you carry at all times!  If this isn’t basic apocalypse preparedness, then I don’t know what is.  Just make sure you also have a good pocket knife, lighter, multipurpose tool, anti-histamine, upgrade your first aid items (if applicable), and a bit of cash in case the grid goes down.  Even after you’ve added these extra few small items you’ll probably still have room left to carry around extra supplies you’ll procure during an emergency.

Oh-No-Not-The-Mom-Purse-James-Piatt-Persuader-Machine-Gun-Handbag

Lastly, we have the purse itself, nicely weighed down with all of our daily and emergency gear.  When buying your next one try and choose a purse with zippered pockets, this way, if push comes to shove, it can quickly become the swinging bag of death you always fantasized it would be without spilling its contents.

 

 

A follower of A Girls Guide, Jessica Eck Jennings, brought up a good topic today.  White it may be a bit icky (especially for the guys) we should think about what we’re going to do post ZPoc during our periods.

Think about it; it’s that wonderful time of the month, and for whatever reason, you’re outta tampons/pads/etc.

What do you do?

Back in the day, women used pieces of fabric to absorb the blood.  Often times these pieces were old rags which is where the term “On the rag” derives it’s origin.  Anyways, women would wear a bit in their undergarments, and when it was at capacity, they would swap it out for a fresh one, and clean that one.  Gross by our standards today, but just another part of being a women during “the good ol days”.  A lot of women in this world still do this.  Think about that for a second.

If you’re looking for a product to stash in your Oh Sh!t/Bug Out Bag I would opt for The Cup, even though I find the idea repugnant. If you’re not familiar with The Cup, it’s a reusable plastic cup thingy that you wear inside you that collect the blood.  When it’s full, you pull it out, rinse, and reuse.  Many brands state that their product will last for up to 10 years, in usage, making it a great feminine preppers item.

Kinda looks like a little plunger, doesn’t it?

Believe it or not, but with the movement towards Environmentally Friendly everything nowadays there are ladies who are opting for reusable cloth menstrual pads.  I myself am not one of these women and do not plan on becoming one unless forced to.  That said, here’s a couple links in case you’re interested: http://lunapads.com/and http://www.hillbillyhousewife.com/sanitarypads.htm.

Now, while I’m not ready or willing to make the switch to reusable, homemade pads right now, it does make me think that maybe I should I buy one of these products and put them in my Oh Sh!t bag just in case.

But what if using cloth isn’t an option?  My brain instantly goes to plant matter of some sort.  While I’ve been researching this, I’ve come across a few vague mentions of tribal women using plant matter but haven’t found a specific type of plant used (except wood pulp, but ouch!).

Some plant/natural matter I would try, if I were in such a situation would be:

  • Moss – It’s super absorbent and found in many different climates.  My main concern with this would be infection.  I would try sterilizing it somehow first, perhaps by boiling it.
  • Sea Sponge – There are manufacturers who make “natural menstrual pads” out of these critters right now so we know it’s a viable option but only if you’re lucky enough to live near an area where these exist.
  • Wool – If you come across some sheep…
  • Cotton – If you happen upon a cotton field…

Now, if we’re outta tampons I’m going to take a wild guess and say that medical attention is probably hard to come by, so I would refrain from trying to DIY yourself some tampons.  TSS or Toxic Shock Syndrome is not something you want to deal with at any time, but especially not with zombies trying to sniff you out.

 

Here are some links for you to check out if you’re interested:

http://www.keeper.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstrual_cup

http://www.alter-eco.info/tampon-alternatives.html

http://www.themakeyourownzone.com/2010/10/are-women-really-making-their-own.html

 

Our Fingernails

Breaking a nail is a bitch that we’ve all met before.

After spending weeks growing them and hours filing, buffing, and painting them, a freak accident with a car door handle occurs and you’re left with a mangled stub.  You cry out in disappointment and examine the ragged wreck, trying to comprehend what went wrong and if it is fixable, but alas, it is a lost cause.  If there’s someone with you, the inevitable whine “I broke a nail” slips from your pouting lips.

It’s a stereotype of women, us getting upset over a broken nail, and a stereotype that I’ll totally own up to.

Breaking a nail is a total pain in the ass NOT just because of aesthetics.  When one fingernail goes they all have to and our fingernails are tools we use for a host of everyday activities that suddenly become a lot more difficult without them.  They are extensions of our fingers.  Most men don’t get it because they keep their fingernails short and therefore aren’t used to using them.  When I cut my fingernails down I feel crippled and vulnerable.

Believe it or not I use them for more than tapping and scratching itches.  I can cut through box take with my natural nails, use them as a makeshift flat-head screwdriver, pick up tiny little things easier, stab through packaging seals, remove splinters, scrape things clean, use them as a toothpick, untie tight complicated knots, use them as pliers, the list keeps going.

I can also, when forced to, use them as a weapon of self-defense.  When my nails are long, you do not want me grabbing onto any fleshy bits.  I’ve inadvertently stabbed myself and inflicted wounds so I have no qualms about digging my mini daggers into an attackers soft spots.

No, I don’t advocate trying to kill a zombie with your fingernails, but you can fend off a human attacker if you’ve been disarmed of all other weapons.

Go for the eyes, groin, face, neck, and other delicate sensitive areas.  If your fingernails are your last resort, go for it.  Now is not the time to worry about breaking a nail.

Pre-Zpoc work on strengthening your natural nails with vitamins and polish treatments.  One of my personal favorites is the Sally Hansen brand nail strengtheners.

And the next time one breaks in the presence of a man don’t cry about breaking a nail, curse like a sailor that you “broke my post apocalypse finger extension tool”.

 

The Nail Clipper

I’m not saying only girls use them, that would be ridiculous, but we’re more likely to have some floating around in our purses, and theefore on us at all times. In a pinch, they can substitute for other tools until we can get our hands on something better.

You can use them for cutting small gauge wire, line, fabric, sutures, skin, and more.

Most are pretty tough and can be use to break glass.

If they come equipped with an affixed file with the little hook at the end (for cleaning under nails) then they can also serve as a weapon for close quarter combat. Just aim for the eyes and other exposed soft flesh such as the neck.

Other possible uses: makeshift screwdriver, scratching messages into hard surfaces, pliers, tweezers…

Have anymore uses? List them below.

Ah, the age old mystery.  Why do ladies go to the bathroom together.

We do it for a few reasons, but the main ones are: to talk about about those who didn’t come with us, to ask each other questions that we don’t want anyone to overhear, and to keep an eye on each other.

See, like it or not, women have been keeping an eye out for ‘predators’ for a very very long time.  This will undoubtedly give us a bit of an advantage when the zombies start hunting us down.  We’re used to watching each others backs and we can spot a potential threat from miles away.  You know that creepy guy who is going to hit on every girl that accidentally makes eye contact with him?  Most of us spot him as soon as we walk into a bar/club/party/whatever and we avoid him like the zombie plague.  When our girlfriend mentions that she has to pee, we go along for the trip so that 1. She doesn’t get cornered by the creep and 2. We don’t have to go alone and get cornered by the creep in another 20 minutes.

Us girls, we watch each others backs.  We have to.  I hate admitting this but yes, most women are not as physically strong as many guys are.  So we’ve adapted our behavior to stay in groups of two or more women when out in unfamiliar territory where ‘predators’ may lurk.  This is why it’s also a good idea to strength train during pre-poc times.

It’s an uncomfortable subject but while we’re admitting things, lets also admit that we’re physically vulnerable while going to the bathroom.  We have to partially disrobe, rendering our legs unstable for a quick get away. Guys definitely have one up on us when it comes to peeing.  If they’re ambushed while taking a leak they can easily jump into a sprint and worry about tucking themselves in as they go.

Bathrooms themselves are a fairly dangerous environment.  Any public room with only 1 point of entry/exit makes me nervous.  If you become trapped in a bathroom, with the exit blocked, you have no choice but to fight your way through whatever blocks your way.  A lot of bathrooms don’t have windows either, which leaves you blind to any dangers that could be waiting outside the door.

This is why bathroom breaks are safer with friends.  With two (or more) of you, one can be the lookout while the other relieves themselves.  Don’t leave yourself blind and vulnerable under any circumstance.  Gross bodily function or not, you have to remember that everyone poops except for the dead.

So the next time you see a couple of girls go into a bathroom together, just assume that they are keeping an eye out for zombies and commend them for doing so.

Unlikely Female Zpoc Tool Numero Uno: The Tampon

C’mon ladies, we’re never without at least one of these babies right? The zombie apocalypse may put an end to paying the bills, having to go to work, obeying the speed limit, and putting up with your annoying neighbors crap, but it ain’t gonna stop Ms. Menses from rearing her bitchy little head every month.  If tampons aren’t already in your Oh Sh!t Bag you better run out to the store right now and go buy a box, throw them in there, and then finish reading my witty little musing.

If you’re like me, you have multiple purses for different occasions, and if you’re like me, you have an emergency tampon in each.  If you’re a girl, it’s a simple fact of life, that no matter how much we may hate, we learn to live with.  By 16 must of us are old pros at tucking a tampon up our sleeve so no boys see us walking to the bathroom with it.  Chris Angel and all his slight of hand Mindfreakyness can’t hold a flame to a twenty-something, miniskirt wearing, clutch holding, platform shoe strutting, goddess at the club who also happens to be on day two of a heavy flow cycle. Guys would watch, mesmerized by her movements, as she walked across the dark spans towards the restrooms, flanked by her two lovely girlfriend “assistants”, one slightly trailing, checking the rear.  They’d watch them disappear behind the door with the skirted blue little lady on it and then reappear after an appropriate amount of time, laughing and relaxed.  They’d never guess at the hidden contents of the assistants purse, the glance and all clear nod from the friend who walked behind, the hand off behind the closed door of the bathroom, the extraction and insertion that occurred quicker than any man would believe.  They’d never guess because they don’t want to know.  They like the mystery and the fantasy that real magic, in the form of a beautiful woman, can exist in their world.

We keep our feminine hygiene close but invisible.  If you’re a woman, you are probably less than twenty feet from a tampon or pad right now, right?  If you’re a guy who lives with a woman then you too are probably less than twenty feet from one as well.  If you’re a guy and still reading this then I commend you, I know what an icky subject most of you find this.

But it’s ok, because tampons have other practical, non-menstrual, uses as well.

You can also use tampons and feminine pads for:

  • Tinder or kindling for lighting a fire
  • Wound care
  • Stopping nosebleeds
  • Cleaning guns
  • Dental Cotton
  • Ear Pugs
  • Stopping any unwanted male attention in it’s tracks

Let’s also assume that zombies are attracted by the sent of blood.  Well then, we don’t want to be walking billboards to the undead hordes once a month do we?  If were sticking to this assumption and you’re into recycling then I’m just going to throw it out there that a used tampon would be excellent zombie bait.  Suck it up men, it’s just blood.

Yes, eventually we’ll have to get crafty and DIY our own tampons or pads but for awhile we’ll be alright.

 

If you know any other practical uses please share them in a comment.  I’d love to hear of any you can come up with.