Just Because I Act Scared, Doesn’t Mean I Really Am

Inside each woman is a princess.  Inside each man is a hero.

Every now and then we need to let these little bits of us play.

Scene: We see a spider and we overreact, calling for our hero to come slay the ugly beast! Hurry! Hurry! Come quick! GIANT spider!!!!!!! (there’s no such thing as a small spider, fyi).  Our hero dashes into the room, shouting for a tissue!  We toss a Kleenex in his (or her) direction and watch horrified as it flutters to the ground, out of his reach!  Hurry!!  It’s getting away!!!!  The hero dashes for the fallen tissue, spins, and squashes, er, VANQUISHES the foe!  We both sigh and look with disgust at the crumpled tissue.  Thank you honey, and you kiss.  Flush it, don’t toss it, ok?  I know! - end scene.

But it was just a little house spider, and though we feel a little guilty about its unnecessary death, we got what we needed, and that is reassurance that our hero still deems us worth saving.

Men, NEVER stop coming to your woman’s rescue.  Whether it’s a tiny house spider or a flesh eating zombie, always be her hero.

Women, NEVER stop asking to be rescued.  Men need to be our heroes every now and again and that’s a good thing.

Showing fear doesn’t mean you’re helpless.  Who shows up to calm your fears shows you who truly cares.

A man who won’t kill a spider for me will never be my man.

 

I should note, just in case anyone who knows me reads this, D kills all my spiders and centipedes if I ask him to : )

Top Girls Guide Zombie Movies

A late night zombie horror flick.  That’s how the obsession started for many of us.  Graphic scenes of bloody animated copses chasing after and devouring people like us.  A horrible nightmarish reality brought to life via a television screen.

To pay homage to the movies that shaped and inspired my obsession, here they are in order of importance to me.

I’m sure many of you have seen most if not all of these, but if you haven’t, I highly recommend doing so.

George A Romero’s
Night of the Living Dead
1968

1. Night of the Living Dead

The grandfather of the modern day zombie genre.  They weren’t just coming to get Barbara, they were coming to get all of us, and like it or not, we’ve all been infected.

 

 

 

Dawn of the Dead 1978

2. Dawn of the Dead – 1978

This was the movie that started it all for me.  Other than a few random Night of the Living Dead scenes, that I wasn’t supposed to have seen while over at my aunts house (and which my mom was mighty pissed about), the original Dawn of the Dead was the first zombie movie I remember seeing from beginning to end.  Yes, with 21st century eyes it comes across as a bit cheesy but for me it was the movie that opened my eyes and heart to the zombie genre.

 

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost

3. Shaun of the Dead

I can watch this movie over and over and over again and still laugh, cringe, and get choked up.  I think it’s brilliant in its melding of horror and comedy.

 

 

Zombies aren’t the only thing to fear.

4.  28 Days Later

I don’t care what anyone says, fast zombies are terrifying and I love them all the more for that!  The 28 Days Later zombies aren’t your typical reanimated corpse zombies anyways, they’re the virus induced super aggressive zombie that didn’t have to die before it became what it is.

 

 

Dawn of the Dead 2004

5. Dawn of the Dead – 2004

Not too many remakes please fans of the originals but this movie really did do the original justice.  I squirmed just as much watching this one as I did the first time I watched the original.

 

 

Tallahassee and Columbus – Zombieland

6. Zombieland

Genius is so many ways.  Plus, it has Bill Murray in it.

 

 

 

 

Dead Alive aka Brain Dead
Sucking face

7. Dead Alive

For it’s sheer absurd amount of blood, humor, and visually stunning gore how can you not like this movie?

 

 

 

Slither

8. Slither

Not entirely about zombies but contains just enough for me to add it to this list.  An unexpected awesome movie.

 

 

 

Quarantine

9. Quarantine

Because the way the government locks down the apartment complex is frighteningly easy to believe.

 

 

 

Poor Bill Paxton

10. The Serpent and the Rainbow

Ok, so this movie is outside of the realm of flesh eating zombies, but the fact that it’s supposed to be based on actual events, is some scary shit.

 

 

Rule #17 – Always Have a Bit of Chocolate on Hand

Don’t judge what you fail to understand.
Pic found here:http://cpecv-chocoholic.deviantart.com/

The older I get, the more chocolate I want.  No, let me rephrase that: the older I get, the more chocolate I NEED.

At some point, a switch was flipped, and I went from a casual chocolate consumer to an all out GIVE ME CHOCOLATE NOW OR DIE kinda girl.

I know that there’s science backing up the fact that chocolate is beneficial to our health and mental well being, but I’m not in the mood to look it up and quote it.  Frankly, I doubt you mind.  I’m fairly confident that you’ve at least skimmed one of those articles and therefore know that I’m not full of shit and would rather I not quote to you some science, that neither of us fully understand, yet are happy to take it at its word as we munch on some sweet cocoa while thinking I know you’d never do me wrong my sweet and silky friend.

Murder worthy chocolate decadence cake

So, lets consider a possible scenario…Imagine it: You’ve been on the move for several days, looking for a safe place.  You’ve been chased, had to fight and kill, lost some friends in the process, and now are about to start your period.  You have cramps, both menstrual and muscle.  You’re back hurts, your head aches, and your pants are feeling tight because you’re bloated.  You’re moody and weepy and you’re not sure if it’s the hormones or the zombies killing your friends.  You have two Tylenol left and you’re really hoping that this months flow is light because your tampon stock is running low.  Life is pretty fucking shitty.  You begin to dig through your pack, praying for an extra Tylenol or tampon when your fingers light upon a lone square piece of heaven.  No… it couldn’t be!  But it is!  CHOCOLATE!  Sent to you by the gods of whatever goodness is left in the world, you have found in the bottom of your pack a Dove Miniature!

Or, lets say you have some little ones with you.  They’re cold, tired, irritable, and about to go into a full tilt freak out complete with screaming and crying, a sure fire zombie attractant for any undead walking corpse within a two mile radius.  The lower lip is trembling and the eyes are growing weepier by the second.  You plunge your hands into one of the many bags you’re carrying (because even when the worlds has gone to shit you still have to nut up and carry five times your own weight in supplies for your kids) hoping to come across some sort of small trinket that will stop the countdown to launch on the atomic bomb your child is about to unleash.  Your fingers scrabble across item after item until you feel it.  A Hershey’s Krackel Miniature.  Quickly, you pull it out with the quickness of a ninja, unwrapping the candy in one fluid movement, and displaying it front of the babes eyes as if it were the One Ring to Rule them All.  Crisis averted, all thanks to chocolate.

It’s also super delicious.  Beyond that, I don’t know how many other reasons you need before you stuff some random chocolate bits into your Oh Sh!t Bag.  Who cares if it might melt, warm melty chocolate is extra yummy!  Though you might want to wrap it in a zip lock so it doesn’t get all over everything, because while chocolate covered peanuts are awesome, chocolate covered bandages and bullets are not.  We do have to draw the line somewhere.

 

These recipes below were included because I came across them and they looked too yummy not to share with you!

Oh dear God…
Recipe here: http://girlsguidetozday.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/chocolate-marble-gooey-butter-cake-graphics-thecountrycook-net.jpg

Super delicious chocolate pudding.
Find the recipe here: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/chocolate-pudding-50400000115355/

Rule #15 Life is Short, Savor It

We don’t need hordes of hungry corpses to remind us that life is short and fleeting.  Unfortunately, it’s hard to forget how fragile life can be at times.  It’s one of life’s great travesties, that we are so often reminded of our own mortality, that it can be difficult to sit back and enjoy life for it’s simple and sweet moments.

I think the beasts of this world have a leg up on us, in this respect, as I hope that they think of little of death.  I hope that our furry friends don’t spend their days worrying about the ‘end of it all’ and that they go about their innocent lives worrying only about eating, sleeping, and procreating rather than concern themselves with the oncoming vehicles of death speeding toward them in the passing lane of existence.  We, on the other hand, seem to only have a few years respite from the dark contemplations of death before the knowledge that it can all be taken away at any second is granted us.

What I wouldn’t give to be ignorant of death!

And it’s not simply my own death that darkens my thoughts, no!  What truly terrifies me is the thought of living this life without those I love beside me.  What a horror, to be left alone in this cruel world, without the sympathetic smile of a loved one to get you through it all!

But should we let the knowledge of death impede our lives and rule our every decision?  FUCK NO!  We cannot allow death to rule us.  Yes, we will die.  Yes, those we love will die (just hopefully after us).  But as long as there is life in our veins we must cling to the simple beauties that surround us.  Savor the sunset and all it’s glorious splendor of colors!  Let the chorus of sunrise song birds fill your heart with hope for the coming day!  Allow yourself to find beauty in the simple greenery of a shaded bit of woods!  Smile when you hear children laughing!  Sing along to your favorite song!  Kiss your lover deeply!  Go have a drink with your best friend!  Do what makes you happy, even if it doesn’t make you any money (just do it on the side, like I do, and have a day job to support your bills and stuff).

I think so many of us zombie enthusiasts fantasize about a zombie apocalypse because we’re missing something in this life.  Whatever that “IT” is for you, identify IT and make IT go away.  Life is short and tomorrow you might not be here anymore.

Today, someone I had worked with for a little over a year passed away.  He had a massive heart attack at work and the doctors were not able to save him.  Over the weekend he had experienced pain in his shoulder and had complained of not feeling well.  His family had urged him to go to the doctor but he hadn’t.  Today he is gone.

RIP Karl – You always had my back and I’ll miss you.

 

Your Purse: The Oh Sh!t Bag You Never Knew You Had

Ah, the purse!  Who among us hasn’t referenced Mary Poppins magical carpet bag that held everything from a tape-measure to a coat rack, while digging through their own much less whimsical version in search of something as mundane as car keys?  Or perhaps the younger among us may compare their shoulder bags to Hermione’s Undetectable Extension Charmed purse that kept books, a tent, clothes, and an assortment of other items safe for the Hogwarts crew.  While these movies may be based in fantasy, us ladies know that these particular bits have a note of truth to them.

Long before we ever started prepping for zombies we were already carrying around mini survival bags on our shoulders.  Whether we ever realized it or not, many of us carry well packed Oh Sh!t Bags (Bug Out Bags) around with us wherever we go.  In this department, we have quite a big advantage over the men, who often times only have a wallet on them.

He can hold my purse any day.

Some of the men out there will be quick to add that they have, at all times, a much better survival bag hidden in their car that could keep them alive and well for months on end.  So I would like to point out that those bags are in the car and not carried with them wherever they go.  What if, in the midst of a disaster your car is stolen?  Or if you’re in a building that’s put on lock down?  Or out with a friend who was the one to drive?  While our purses may not be the most perfect of all Oh Sh!t Bags, they’ll do quite well in a pinch.  So, if you’re a man and the lady you’re with asks you to hold her purse for a moment, don’t roll your eyes or feel emasculated, instead hold tight to that bag, for it may just save your life one day.  If you doubt me, ask a lady in your life to dump out her purse.  Now prepare to be amazed!

Ladies, think about the contents of your purse for a moment.  I bet that you have at least 1 bandaid, a few OTC painkillers, some sort of blade (pocket knife, small scissors, nail clippers-yes they count, etc), tampons or maxi-pads, a pen, paper scraps (like receipts or a small pad for fire tinder and message leaving/sending), a random food item(s), wallet with credit cards, cell phone, car & house keys, gloves if it’s winter, some form of makeup, and hand sanitizer, all of which can be helpful and necessary in the event of an emergency.  Now, those are just the items I’d bet money that you have in your purse right now, but I’d also bet money that you have a few other useful items that you could use if the shit hit the fan.

For those of you who are moms, you probably can put the rest of us to shame with the amount of supplies you carry at all times!  If this isn’t basic apocalypse preparedness, then I don’t know what is.  Just make sure you also have a good pocket knife, lighter, multipurpose tool, anti-histamine, upgrade your first aid items (if applicable), and a bit of cash in case the grid goes down.  Even after you’ve added these extra few small items you’ll probably still have room left to carry around extra supplies you’ll procure during an emergency.

Lastly, we have the purse itself, nicely weighed down with all of our daily and emergency gear.  When buying your next one try and choose a purse with zippered pockets, this way, if push comes to shove, it can quickly become the swinging bag of death you always fantasized it would be without spilling its contents.

 

 

Rule #16 Keep Your Friends Close but Your Enemies Closer

Rule #16: Keep your friends close but your enemies closer – unless we’re talking about zombies, then keep them as far away as possible!

It’s an old adage that many of us have repeated before, usually in response to a bit of bullshit drama that cropped up in our otherwise peaceful lives.  It relates to backstabbing co-workers and two-faced friends that we just can’t get away from; awful in-laws and despicable boy/girl-friends of others that for whatever reason just won’t go away.

It’s basic meaning is to play nice with your “enemies” and to not let them know how much you really despise them and wish horrific suffering to be done to them so as not to rock the proverbial boat and cause ourselves and those around us unnecessary stress.  It keeps us out of the line of fire and in the in with what our “enemies” are thinking and up to.

A Zombie Apocalypse is going to put quite a new twist on this one.

It won’t be “unnecessary stress” that we’ll be trying to avoid but a surprise bullet to the back of the head!

She has many names and many faces but we’ve all met this crazy bitch before.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Zombies won’t be our only threat come ZDay.  Our fellow warmblooded, still breathing humans will be just as dangerous.

An event like a zombie apocalypse is sure to dement even the strongest of us so what will it do to the already illogical and unreasonable people in this world?

Go ahead and think of that one person in your life (be it co-worker, relative, neighbor, etc) that drives you insane and who you can’t stand under the best of circumstances yet you still play nice with.  Now imagine what they’ll be like during a zombie apocalypse.

Yeah, that just ruined your day a little didn’t it?

Now I’m sure some of you are thinking Fuck em, I’ll just save everyone the headache and shoot em in the head!  It’s the zombie apocalypse after all, I don’t have time for any bullshit!

If you did think that (or something similar) you have proven why you’ll need to keep your friends close but your enemies closer because if you can feel that way about another person then I can guarantee you that someone else will feel that way about you.

Lets Have an Apocalypse Party!

Apocalypse Party

Definition 1: A group of people that have agreed to plan and prepare for the apocalypse together and that will join forces to try and survive when TSHTF.

Definition 2: A gathering of candidates for the before mentioned definition to discuss planning and survival.  Gathering should include food, spirits, music, and maps.

Two key ingredients to surviving the zombie apocalypse are: preparedness and numbers.  That said, the more people you have in your group/party that are prepared for the ZPoc, the more likely you are to survive.

Well, what better way to get things started than to host an Apocalypse Party?

Step 1: Write out a list of who you are going to invite.

Remember, these are the people you want to survive the end of the world with and the people you trust to help prepare for it.

I would start small.  For your first party, invite your closest friends and family.  Once your core group is solidified you can discuss bringing more people in.

Step 2: Write out a list of prepping duties.

ie: weapon caches, ammo, medical supplies, dry goods, food preservation, navigation specialists, transportation, etc.

Step 3: Get a preliminary plan together.  The group can solidify things later but having a general idea of things puts you in the leader position and will make it easier on everyone else.

Have an idea of meeting spots.  Pick at least 3 for when the shit first hits the fan.

Figure out who should do what.  Think of individuals strong points; if someones skills are a bit ambiguous, put them in charge of stockpiling dry goods and/or supplies. People like having their skills acknowledged so when you put someone in charge of something you’ll help build a cohesive and confident group.

Step 4: Make it fun

The reason so many of us like to fantasize about the apocalypse is because it’s a break from the every day BS we’re all sick and tired of.  If you try and make your party all doom and gloom, no ones going to want to be part of your Apocalypse Party.  Yes, it’s serious business but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with it.

Brew some zombie punch: http://www.thatsthespirit.com/en/drinks/recipe.asp?recipe_id=1458

Make some brain cupcakes: http://partywithak.blogspot.com/2011/10/recipe-of-day-brain-cupcakes.html

Send out some killer apocalypse style e-vites (make them yourself, save your $ for supplies): http://www.zazzle.com/grunge_radioactive_symbol_personalized_invite-161967188794444490

Step 5: Keep a Record

Have a notebook handy during your party and write all your ideas down.  That zombie punch packs a wallop and you don’t want to forget anything!

Have maps handy and highlight any routes you and your group decide on.

Start an online group for your Apocalypse Party.  You can start a private Facebook group where everyone can discuss your plans in private or use Google + and Google Docs to keep track of your lists and stock piling.

If your Apocalypse Party is a success you’ll be well on your way to establishing your own Apocalypse Party (see the double entendre at work there?) and if TSHTF you and yours will be ready!

 

Stay safe sisters and brothers.